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• Sorry, Sgt. Friday, Pot Smoking Might Not Lead to Hard Drugs

  Filed under: In The News, Alcohol & Drugs, Teen Culture, Research Reveals Teens

  

  Credit: Eric Risberg, AP

  Sgt. Joe Friday was ... was ... wrong?
  
  Marijuana is not a gateway to other drugs, according to a study to be published in the September issue of the Journal of Health and Social Behavior.
  
  But who can forget Sgt. Friday's stern message to the children of the '60s in the classic 1968 "Dragnet" episode "The Big Prophet"?
  
  "Marijuana is the flame, heroin is the fuse, LSD is the bomb," he tells a drug guru. "So don't you try to equate marijuana with liquor, Mister, not with me. You may sell that jazz to another pothead, but not someone who spends most of their time holding some sick kid's head while he vomits and wretches sitting on a curbstone at four o'clock in the morning."
  
  Yuck.
  
  "So don't you con me with your mind-expansion slop."
  
  You tell 'em, Joe. Actually, that's pretty much what kids have been told for decades. But it may be only partially true.
  
  True, teens in the study by the University of New Hampshire who smoked marijuana were more likely to go on to use harder drugs, WebMD reports, but the gateway effect was lessened by the age of 21.
  
  Failure to graduate from high school or find a job were all bigger warning signs of hard drug use in young adulthood than pot smoking during adolescence, study researcher Karen Van Gundy, a sociologist at the University of New Hampshire, tells the website.
  
  "If we overly criminalize behaviors like marijuana use among teens, this could interfere with opportunities for education and employment later on, which, in turn, could be creating more drug use," she adds.
  
  Van Gundy tells WebMD she wasn't out to debunk Joe Friday and the "gateway" myths.
  
  But she and fellow researcher Cesar J. Rebellon couldn't escape their conclusions after examining survey data from 1,300 mostly male Hispanic, white and African American young adults who attended South Florida public schools in the 1990s. Participants were tracked from middle school to early adulthood.
  
  "Most of the previous research has examined early drug use among people with serious drug problems," Van Gundy tells WebMD. "These people do tend to progress from alcohol and marijuana use to other drugs."
  
  The story changes, she adds, as teens became young adults.
  
  "We were somewhat surprised to find the gateway effect wasn't that strong during the transition to adulthood," Van Gundy tells the website. "It really didn't matter if someone used marijuana or not as a teen."
  
  Hard drug use was more closely linked to stress.
  
  "Assuming and occupying conventional roles, such as 'worker,' may close the marijuana gateway by modifying and redirecting substance use trajectories," the researchers write.
  
  In other words, kid, get a job.
  
  Columbia University sociologist Denise B. Kandel disagrees. Her research early in the decade confirmed marijuana as a gateway drug, and, she tells WebMD, the new study fails to take into account the role pot can play in adult stress.
  
  "Using marijuana as a teen can certainly have an impact on whether or not someone fails to graduate from high school or gets a job," she tells the website. "And this increases the risk of persistent illicit drug use."
  
  Sgt. Friday would like that answer.
  
  Related: Teen Girls Drink to Forget Their Troubles, Study Says

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  Fri, 03 Sep 2010, 09:06:00
  
  
• Reviews: What's New This Week

  Filed under: Shopping, Books for Kids, Music, Video Games

  

  Drew Barrymore and Justin Long star in "Going the Distance." Credit: Jessica Miglio, Warner Bros./AP

  Here is a look at what's new this week in family entertainment as adapted from reviews and ratings by Common Sense Media. Click on the links to read the reviews in full.
  
  In Theaters: "Going the Distance"
  A romantic comedy starring Drew Barrymore, "Going the Distance" features two young lovers trying make a long-distance romance work. It's a realistic depiction of the emotional and sexual frustrations inherent in such a geographically-challenged relationship. Rough language, drugs, alcohol and very frank discussions about sex earn this film its rating. Rated R, iffy for kids 16-18
  

  

  Amazon.com

  
  DVD: "Marmaduke"
  Potty humor and doggy romance are the hallmarks of "Marmaduke," a live-action film featuring the famously large comic strip character. In this dog-out-of-water film, the mutts act like like teenagers and the dog park takes the place of the cliquish world of high school. Occasionally funny and never offensive, it's sure to be a hit with fans of the talking animal genre. Rated PG, OK for kids 8+
  
  TV: "Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam"
  In the anxiously-awaited and heavily-promoted "Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam," the gang reassembles for another summer of music. A rival camp across the lake provides the drama while a few budding romances give the girls something to sigh about. Upbeat and positive, the film is Disney at its squeaky-clean best. Not Rated, OK for kids 8+
  

  

  Amazon.com

  
  Books: "Mockingjay: The Hunger Games, Book 3"
  The third and final installment in author Suzanne Collins' "Hunger Games" series, "Mockingjay: The Hunger Games, Book 3" continues the story of an oppressed people trying to break free. The science fiction tale may be violent and dark, but it's well written and has an important message about hope and courage. OK for kids 12+
  
  Music: "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars
  A single release by Bruno Mars, "Just the Way You Are" has a positive message for kids of all ages. With clean lyrics and a cool R&B sound, Mars sings about inner beauty and loving his girl despite the flaws she sees in herself. OK for kids 8+
  
  Web: ScuttlePad
  A social networking site for preteens, "ScuttlePad" is a great way for young Internet users to get their feet wet in the world of online communication. Users can post status updates and chat using only preapproved text and uploaded photos are reviewed before going live. OK for kids 7+
  

  

  Amazon.com

  
  Games: Ivy the Kiwi
  For Nintendo DS, DSi and Wii, "Ivy the Kiwi" is an adventure game featuring an odd baby bird searching for her mother. Players guide Ivy past obstacles by making vines that serve as ramps, barricades, catapults and more. While Ivy can be hurt while on her journey, she reacts only with a surprised look on her face before falling off screen. Rated E, OK for kids 8+
  
  Related: Time to Swipe the Page: More iPad Picture Books
  

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  Fri, 03 Sep 2010, 08:00:00
  
  
• Mel B. Spices Things Up With Her 'Scary' New Reality Show

  Filed under: Celeb Parents, New In Pop Culture

  
  

  

  Melanie Brown, with husband Stephen Belafonte, is set to star in her own reality show. Credit: Kevin Parry, WireImage

  
  You may not recognize the prosaic name Melanie Brown, but hear the pop moniker Mel B., and you know we're talking about Scary Spice.
  
  As part of the Spice Girls, beloved for their frothy songs and cheeky attitudes, Brown helped sell more than 40 million CDs worldwide. After the group disbanded in 2001, she tangoed her way back into the public eye as a contestant on the fifth season of "Dancing With the Stars," where she finished in second place, and soon after released a fitness DVD.
  
  And now, after recently wrapping up the second season of "Dance Your Ass Off," a weight loss/dance competition on Oxygen that she hosted, her own reality show, "Mel B.: It's a Scary World" is set to air Sept. 5 on the Style Network.
  
  ParentDish caught up with the mother of Angel, 3, and Phoenix, 11, and stepmother of Giselle, 6, to talk family life, dancing and, you guessed it, Spice Girls.
  
  ParentDish: What can viewers expect from your reality show?
  Melanie Brown: It follows me in the studio, the kids and all the drama that goes on between my three girls. I have a 3-year-old, a 6-year-old stepdaughter and an 11-year-old, so you can see the whole dynamics between me and my husband, Stephen (Belafonte), and work and the kids. We don't have a nanny or an assistant. We're very hands on and full on and we've got a pretty flourishing career, whether it be sorting out my clothing line, Catty Couture, or getting back into the studio to record my CD or my fitness video. It's everything.
  
  PD: How do you do everything without a nanny?
  MB: I do everything while the kids are in school. The kids go to school at 8 and get picked up around 3:30 or 4, so we do a whole juggling act and sometimes we get it a little bit wrong, sometimes we're late and sometimes me and my husband get stressed out with each other. Though, overall, I'd say we're the modern blended family. We're very outspoken, we communicate with each other, we're fun, we're sassy, we're sexy. It's fun all the way around. It can be stressful at times, but that's part of a family.
  
  PD: Do you still speak to the other Spice Girls?
  MB: Of course. We've been tweeting each other all day long. We all go to each other for different things. If I want advice on fashion and business, I'll go to Victoria. If I want advice on my latest fitness DVD, I'll go to Mel C. If I want to talk about kids and girly stuff, I'll go to Emma. Me and Geri have spent many holidays together in the past. We're all close in different ways.
  
  PD: How would you describe your family life?
  MB: It's very structured. We all sit down for dinner at 6:15. My husband cooks all the time. We're very open, we communicate a lot. I think the most important thing when you have kids is laying down rules, teaching them to respect the value of money, they have chores, they tidy their rooms.
  
  I grew up with not very much. I learned to appreciate things from a very early age. My parents were constantly working, so they set the example to me that if you want money you have to work and that's what I've instilled in my kids. My 11-year-old has a dog-walking company from our street that she started two months ago. We have a dog and one of her chores is to walk the dog after school and she had an idea that if she was walking our dog anyway, why not ask the neighbors if they want their dogs walked.
  
  PD: Your 3-year-old daughter Angel's biological father is Eddie Murphy, who originally denied paternity.
  MB: I kind of put myself in a bubble. I had my mum come and live with me. I moved to the beach and I just enjoyed my pregnancy. I just made the most of it. When she was born she was so amazingly beautiful. Phoenix, my oldest daughter, was in the delivery room with me. Things weren't ideal, but I don't like to dwell on things like that. I just deal with it and then keep moving and hope for the best.
  
  PD: Does he have a relationship with her?
  MB: Yeah. They've started to see each other a little bit this year, which has been really nice.
  
  Related: New Jersey Housewives' Teresa Giudice: 'Slowly Rebuilding' After Bankruptcy

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  Fri, 03 Sep 2010, 05:00:00
  
  
• Parents Break Into Retirement Accounts to Pay for College

  Filed under: In The News, Research Reveals Teens

  

  Do you really want to drain your retirement fund to pay for your kid's education? Credit: Getty Images

  "Don't worry about your mother and me, son. We can live in a packing crate under the bridge. You know how we enjoy camping. You just go off and get yourself a college education."
  
  Sound like you?
  
  If so, it's a growing club. According to U.S. News & World Report, some 6 percent of parents decided to break into their retirement accounts this year to help send their children to college.
  
  That figure is up from 3 percent 2009, and, the report says, the average amount withdrawn from 401(k)s, IRAs and other retirement accounts jumped from $5,318 in 2009 to $8,554 this year.
  
  While money in IRAs can be used for college expenses, you can't withdraw money from 401(k)s -- at least not without paying 10 percent or more in early withdrawal penalties.
  
  The magazine reports IRA money qualifies for an exemption for room and board expenses if the child is at least a half-time college student. IRA owners still have to pay income tax on withdrawals. Roth IRA owners younger than age 59&frac12; must pay tax on the portion of the withdrawal that comes from investment earnings.
  
  College costs might qualify for a 401(k) hardship withdrawal if employees can demonstrate an immediate and heavy financial need for the money and show that other sources of income have been exhausted, the magazine reports.
  
  Parents who earn more than six figures a year generally withdrew the most from their retirement accounts, according to the magazine. And families generally used more of their retirement to pay for private colleges than public schools.
  
  Parents with a child attending a private college withdrew an average of $1,254 from their retirement accounts in 2010. In contrast, families with a student at a public school withdrew an average of $414 for a four-year college and $241 for a two-year institution.
  
  Who needs a nursing home where they change the linens every single month, anyway?
  
  Related: Saving for College? Plan Ahead

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  Fri, 03 Sep 2010, 04:30:00
  
  
• Time to Swipe the Page: More iPad Picture Books

  Filed under: Gadgets, Books for Kids, Family Time

  
  Our recent roundup of interactive picture-book apps for the iPad focused on fancied-up classics like "Alice in Wonderland" and "Green Eggs and Ham." But there's plenty of new material out there in the world of finger-swipe page-turning. Here, we take a look at five popular non-classics that got the iPad treatment.
  
  

  

  iTunes

  
  "The Pedlar Lady of Gushing Cross" by Jacqueline Rogers & Matthew Talbot-Kelly (Moving Tales, $4.99)
  Here's a folktale with an ancient feel presented in the most groundbreaking way possible. This story of an old hermit woman who leaves her desert home in search of a dream feels utterly magical -- in the story itself; in the sage-like British-accented narration by the wonderful Mark Doherty; in the haunting musical score; and most of all, in the dynamic three-dimensional, fully-animated illustrations. Every "page" of this book looks like a clip from an Oscar-winning animated short. It's truly stunning.

  

  iTunes

  
  "Bartleby's Book of Buttons Vol. 1: The Far Away Island" (Octopus Kite, $2.99)
  Lift-the-flap books have just evolved. This is the story of a strange, little mustachioed man (he could be the less-wealthy cousin of Monopoly's Uncle Pennybags) who collects buttons -- the kind you press, not the kind you use to fasten clothes. As he sets off on a trip to a mysterious island, readers guide him along the way, pressing the many, many buttons that line every page of this virtual book. Buttons will get Bartleby dressed, turn stoplights green, launch ships, and even help him escape from a volcano. There's no voiceover, so pre-readers will need some assistance, but the play factor will resonate with readers of almost any age.
  
  

  

  iTunes

  
  "Icarus Swinebuckle" by Michael Garland (Giant Atom, $1.99)
  To paraphrase the old poster from "Superman: The Motion Picture," you will believe a pig can fly. In this endearing tale, a poor shoemaker pig risks eviction, putting aside his paying work to focus on building the wings he believes will allow him to soar through the sky. The thoroughly satisfying ending is not exactly what you'd expect. Kids can either have the book read to them (by the talented Greville Sockett) in a mode that includes some animated scenes, or they can read it themselves in a mode that allows them to tap any word they don't know to hear it read aloud.
  
  

  

  iTunes

  
  "Logan and the Upside-Down Sea" (Iskandar, Inc., $2.99)
  Kids can also read along with this is-it-real-or-just-imagination story about a young boy who sets off to a magical land to find his sister who disappears during a game of hide-and-seek. There are a number of cool interactive features throughout (for example, kids can help Logan assemble a hot air balloon). And the app makes nifty use of the iPad's tilt-rotation feature at one critical point in the story. The book/app works best for first graders or younger.
  
  

  

  iTunes

  
  "Violet" by Allison Keeme (My Black Dog Books, $2.99)
  No voiceover here, so the misadventures of this young girl who fancies herself a sort of secret mad scientist will need to be enjoyed by kids old enough to read to themselves or kids with parents who are willing to read to them from an iPad. The very original premise -- young Violet, in her guise as Phantom Girl, decides to "time travel" by turning the clock forward an hour and then watching her unwitting family show up too early for everything -- is a funny one, and both the book and its innocently mischievous heroine are quite likable. There are a few point-and-click interactive hot spots on the pages, but nothing too fancy. This is an e-book you want to read for the same reasons you'd read a good-old-fashioned non-digital picture book: Story and art. And fortunately, they're pretty good.
  
  Related: iPad, Read Me a Story

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  Fri, 03 Sep 2010, 04:00:00
  
  
• Lack of Attachment to Mom May Cause Early Puberty in Girls

  Filed under: In The News, Research Reveals Babies, Development Big Kids, Research Reveals Big Kids, Development Tweens, Research Reveals Tweens, Health

  

  She's a lot younger than she looks. Credit: Corbis

  
  If you're still on the fence about how you feel about attachment parenting, new research findings about early puberty in girls may send you over the edge.
  
  In a study published this week in Psychological Science, researchers suggest that babies who do not form a secure attachment to their mothers will be more likely to enter puberty early.
  
  These findings are notable in light of growing evidence that girls in the United States are starting to mature at earlier ages than ever before -- even as young as 7 -- and both early puberty and poor infant attachment raise concerns, according to the Los Angeles Times.
  
  Girls who enter puberty earlier are at higher risk for certain cancers, including breast cancer, and are likely to engage in sexual activity earlier, which increases the risk of sexually transmitted disease and early pregnancy. Poor attachment in infants has been linked to a higher risk of anxiety, depression and other psychological problems later in life.
  
  Previous research has implicated other factors -- such as nutrition and obesity -- in the early onset of puberty in girls, but the researchers suggest infant bonding should be added to the list, according to the newspaper.
  
  The study, based on data collected on 373 white female participants in the comprehensive National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) Study of Early Child Care, was conducted by psychologist Jay Belsky of Birbeck University London and an international team of researchers.
  
  To gauge whether babies were "securely attached" -- or emotionally distant -- from their mothers, researchers separated the babies from their mothers, and then reunited them and observed their reactions.
  
  "A securely attached baby typically greeted her mother's return by smiling, vocalizing and reaching toward her parent; babies who looked away, fail to acknowledge or both advanced to and retreated from their mother upon her return were rated 'insecurely attached'," according to the Times.
  
  Researchers found that the more "insecurely attached" to her mother a baby girl was at 15 months, the earlier she would enter puberty and mature sexually. These results were consistent regardless of when their mothers entered puberty -- a strong hereditary determinant in a girl's sexual maturation, according to the study.
  
  Notably, baby girls who were not determined to be securely attached to their moms were nearly two-and-a-half times more likely to begin pubertal changes by the age of 10 1/2, and to have pubic hair, breast development and get their periods by 13 1/2, according to the Times.
  
  The researchers theorize that the process of evolution may explain their findings. They suggest that insecure and unsupportive family relationships accelerate puberty, so that females can mate and reproduce earlier, which would give them an advantage in environments where survival -- and, therefore, reproduction -- may be comprised.
  
  In secure and supportive family relationships, females would mature later, so mating and reproduction would occur later, giving them an advantage in environments where survival is less difficult, according to the study.
  
  The Times reports that Belsky has spurred controversy with studies suggesting that long hours of child care for infants and young children outside the home may weaken a child's attachment to their primary caregiver -- usually Mom -- and negatively affect the child's later behavior at school.
  
  "The importance of an infant's attachment to Mom is not widely debated. But debates have long raged over what factors -- a child's temperament, the mother's employment outside the home, a depressed parent -- may contribute to the security of that bond," the researchers say.
  
  Related: More Girls Entering Puberty Early, Study Finds

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  Fri, 03 Sep 2010, 03:00:00
  
  
• Friday Giveaway Roundup

  Filed under: Giveaways

  

  Win a backpack full of school supplies! Credit: Zebra Pen Corp.

  
  Get a great start to your weekend! Enter these awesome contests across the AOL Living sites:
  
  Lemondrop: Wanted Shoes -- Commando Giveaway!
  Deadline to enter: Friday, September 3, 2010
  
  That's Fit: Prince EX03 100 Tennis Racquet Giveaway!
  Deadline to enter: Friday, September 3, 2010
  
  AOL Health: Pure Bar Giveaway!
  Deadline to enter: Monday, September 6, 2010
  
  Aisledash: Calligraphy by Jennifer Hand Stamp Giveaway!
  Deadline to enter: Friday, September 3, 2010
  
  Parentdish: "Babies" DVD Giveaway!
  Deadline to enter: Friday, September 3, 2010
  
  Parentdish: Zebra Pen "Bag to School" Prize Pack Giveaway!
  Deadline to enter: Friday, September 3, 2010
  
  Holidash: Cost Plus World Market Gift Card Giveaway!
  Deadline to enter: Friday, September 3, 2010
  
  
  Feeling lucky? Enter them all!

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  Fri, 03 Sep 2010, 02:00:00
  
  
• How to Play: Dizzy Basketball

  Filed under: Activities Babies, Kids' Games

  

  I'm seeing double! Credit: paolo.demarchi, Flickr

  What you need: You need a basketball hoop, basketballs, and baseball bats.
  
  How to play: Divide the players into equally numbered teams. Give each team a basketball and a baseball bat.
  
  The rules: One player at a time from each team will go to his baseball bat, bend over, put his head on the bat end, and circle it for five times while remaining bent over. Then he will pick up his basketball, dribble to the hoop, shoot a basket, and rebound the ball to bring back to his team. He tags the next player to go. This continues until all players have gone.
  
  
  How to win: The team who completes the rotation first is the winner.
  
  What else you need to know: The dizzy aspect makes this a great game to preserve with a video camera for laughs afterwards.
  
  Related: More Kids' Games

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  Fri, 03 Sep 2010, 12:00:00
  
  
• Opinion: Your Grade-Schooler Doesn't Need a Cell Phone

  Filed under: Opinions

  

  Call it a day -- cell phones just aren't for kids. Credit: jupiterimages

  
  Today's conventional wisdom seems to dictate that "cell phone" should be right there on the back-to-school shopping list along with markers, crayons and new shoes, but when did it become part of our cultural landscape to keep watch over our children 24 hours a day, even when they're in school?
  
  A recent study conducted by the Pew Internet & American Life Project found that 51 percent of 12-year-olds owned mobile phones in 2008. In 2004, that number was 18 percent. When my generation was 12 years old, we were just figuring out how to manage the Betamax player and this crazy new technology called a "personal computer."
  
  Not to mention the fact that our parents actually relied on the proverbial village to help us make it to adulthood. We were surrounded by responsible adults who weren't named "Mom" and "Dad." We also had teachers, coaches and our friends' parents to look out for us. And you know what? Our kids are surrounded by those people, too.
  
  We did not need an electronic monitoring device, which is basically what a cell phone becomes when you hand it to a 12-year-old. And, frankly, I fear that handing my child a cell phone would open up a Pandora's Box of media exposure that I really wouldn't be able to contain.
  
  Look at the data: Anne Collier, co-director of ConnectSafely.org told ParentDish in April that the average kid sends and receives somewhere around 2,000 text messages per month. That's approximately 66 text messages a day, and I'm guessing even the most vigilant helicopter parent can't keep track of an inbox that active. I know I couldn't.
  
  So what, you say? Texting is just LOL and emoticons! Surely you've heard of this new trend called "sexting?" Sending nude or suggestive photos and provocative messages is more normal than not, and some teens are paying a very high price, indeed, for fleeting moments of poor judgment.
  
  The messages can be sent around to their peers. They can be used as a bullying tactic. They could even land your son in jail, as one Rochester, N.Y., 17-year-old found out when he wound up facing nearly seven years in jail after he forwarded a nude photo of his girlfriend, then 15, to his buddies.
  
  But this stuff can't happen to my fifth-grader, right? Or my kindergartner, or my second-grader. But it could, and that's the rub. The device may seem like a lifeline, a way to tether your child to you when he or she is out of sight, young and vulnerable to the big, wild world -- but plenty of kids see it as a portal to freedom.
  
  Yes, we can put limits on their plans, restricting the number of texts and calls they can make and receive. Yes, we can get phones that are "for emergencies only." Yes, we can even invest in software that keeps track of their text messages, and filters them through our own phones.
  
  But what message does that send? Sure, kid of mine, I want you to be independent and learn how to be responsible, but I'm going to watch your every move while you do it.
  
  Even the product names are loaded with implied judgment, using words such as "watch dog" and "spy." I, like most teens, got up to my own particular brand of adolescent mischief, and my parents were much better off not knowing about it.
  
  I, too, was much better off, for learning to handle those mistakes on my own.
  
  It's difficult to send our small people out into the great unknown, to set loose these vulnerable, precious beings on whom we've spent so much time, energy and devotion. It makes my heart contract in ways I never knew possible to watch my child skip down the porch steps with her backpack on her very wee shoulders.
  
  However, my own parents did the very same thing, without the aid of technology, and everything turned out just fine. We're telling our children that the world is something to be feared, rather than embraced. We are sharing with them our lack of trust in the inherent goodness of the human race, our desire to turn inward and hide away.
  
  And that will eventually destroy them -- and us, too.
  
  Related: Want to Win Custody? Become a Helicopter Parent

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  Thu, 02 Sep 2010, 09:25:00
  
  
• Let Them Go: Expert Offers Advice for Hovering Parents of College Students

  Filed under: Education Teens, Research Reveals Teens, Expert Advice Teens

  

  It's hard watching the baby bird fly out of the nest. Credit: Mary Knox Merrill, AP

  
  It's not unusual for parents to escort their kids to college. After all, there's so much stuff to haul, that bedbug cover really is a pain to pull on over the mattress and what if they forget to bring something critical to their safety or well-being -- like flip flops for the shower?
  
  The college drop-off is a rite of passage that's existed for decades and it's a good thing, according to adolescent development expert Nancy Darling, a professor at Oberlin College and author of Psychology Today's Thinking About Kids blog. But, she says, it isn't just the kids who need help adjusting.
  
  These transitions are especially hard for the person that's left behind -- the parent. Parents feel like there's a hole in their life when their child leaves the nest, Darling tells ParentDish, but the child is so excited that he or she may not feel the same way. And that can make things bad, because they're both in different places.

  "I saw a father today sitting in the diner with his daughter and two friends," Darling says. "When his daughter went off to get a smoothie with her friends, he looked bereft ... He was so sad, he seemed like he was losing his little girl."
  
  To help parents adjust, most colleges today have two- or three-day orientation programs just for them -- unlike years ago, when orientation was just for kids, Darling says. And, while there are sessions that inform parents about how and where their kids will be living and how they can help their kids be successful, much of the program is designed to help parents let go.
  
  Yet, although schools have built this transition time into the schedule for both parents and kids, it still may not be enough for a growing number of parents.
  
  "I saw dozens of parents who were here (at Oberlin) a week early this year," Darling tells ParentDish. "So they're coming early, then they're here for the parent orientation and then the kids have a whole week of orientation after that. ... Next, they'll be moving in."
  
  In this age of helicopter parenting, it's not unusual to hear stories about parents who book hotel rooms so they can linger around town "just in case" their college kid needs them. But this can present a problem for kids.
  
  "The goal of orientation is to help the students feel comfortable meeting other kids and figuring out what they're going to do," Darling tells ParentDish. "But it can become overwhelming for the kids. They seem guilt-ridden because they don't want to be rude to their parents, but they're excited and want to be with their friends."
  
  To combat these "velcro parents," as The New York Times recently referred to them, colleges around the country have started to institute parting ceremonies and rituals to let parents know that it's really, really time to hit the road.
  
  But Darling says she understands how difficult it can be for parents to let go of their college kids. It's often the first time a child is leaving home, so it's partly an issue of protection for parents. However, part of it is also projection -- the parents are feeling a loss and they want their kids to feel a loss, too, because "after all, you want your kids to miss you," she says.
  
  Most first-year students do feel homesick, and it's normal for them to call Mom and Dad when they do. But sometimes kids can spend so much time talking to their parents that they never leave their dorm room, and that can keep them from meeting people and making friends. Parents need to be supportive of their kids leaving their room; they can say "I miss you, too," but tell their kids they need to get up and do something, like go to a study session or join a volunteer organization, advises Darling.
  
  And what does she think of all those texts, BBMs, e-mails and chats that help parents and kids stay in close contact even though they're away at college?
  
  "Keeping in touch in lots of little ways is fine -- as long as the kid doesn't mind doing it," she says. "But if the parents' calls start to interfere, or if parents are always the ones initiating contact, it may be time to stop for a little while and give them some time to miss you."
  
  But no matter who initiates the conversation, Darling tells ParentDish the most important advice she can give parents is to listen to what their kids are saying.
  
  "They'll talk a lot more if you listen than if you lecture," she says. "And that's important, because it will help you to differentiate between normal homesick and feeling overwhelmed, and when they are really having problems -- like maybe they're drinking too much, or they get really depressed or feel so overwhelmed that they're really not coping well."
  
  Darling says it's also important to help kids find solutions themselves, instead of immediately stepping in and telling them what to do.
  
  "Getting the kids to realize what kind of resources there are and helping them think things through is really important," Darling says. "Because a parent's job is to help their kid succeed, not to tell them how to succeed and not to succeed for them."
  
  Related: Kids May Be Away at College, but More Parents Are Keeping Them Close Through Chat

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  Thu, 02 Sep 2010, 09:00:00
  
  

• Big Mother is Watching You - Even on the School Bus

  Filed under: In The News, Gadgets, Health & Safety Big Kids, Health & Safety Tweens

  

  The students of the Chippewa Elementary School are carrying tracking cards so officials are able to pinpoint exactly where and when they stepped aboard the school bus. Credit: Zbigniew Bzdak, Chicago Tribune / MCT

  
  Santa Claus would love to score the surveillance gizmos some helicopter parents are hovering about with these days.
  
  He may see you when you're sleeping. He may know when you're awake. But up until now, you could get on and off the school bus without showing up on anyone's radar.
  
  Not anymore. Big Mother is watching you.
  
  Parents in the Chicago suburb of Palos Heights know exactly when their kids get on and off the bus. The Chicago Tribune reports kids carry ID cards they must have scanned as they board.
  
  A flash and a beep tells Mom and Dad the child is safely on the bus. Likewise, when the child arrives at school, another flash and beep assures parents he wasn't abducted by aliens en route.
  
  Palos Heights is the second school district in Illinois to employ a little high-tech to reassure jittery parents.
  
  "I felt it was a responsibility on our part to do what we can," Superintendent Kathleen Casey tells the Tribune.
  
  The newspaper reports parents' jitters stem, in part, from an incident last year when a first-grader missed his stop. He remained on the bus as it passed his waiting grandmother. The child never left the bus, but for 20 minutes, school officials and family members were frantic.
  
  "It's a terrifying experience," Casey tells the Tribune. "I wondered if this technology would give us the ability to identify, 'Did a child get on the bus? Did they get off? If they got off, did they get off at the right stop?' "
  
  About 5 percent of the nation's 490,000 school buses use student tracking technology, according to the National Association for Pupil Transportation.
  
  "It's absolutely growing, and I think exponentially," Executive Director Mike Martin tells the Tribune.
  
  The Freeport School District in northern Illinois also uses the system. It costs about $16,000 for every 10 school buses.
  
  It's worth it, therapist David Klow with the Family Institute at Northwestern University, tells the Tribune.
  
  "If technological advances make the parent feel less anxious and more at ease, then I think that can help," he says. "Whatever it's going to take for the parent to feel relaxed, because the child feeds off the parent."
  
  So the parent gets peace of mind. But are the children really better off?
  
  A survey of college freshmen by researchers at the Association of Psychological Science Convention held in Boston last May concludes children of fretful, safety-obsessed parents tend to be dependent and neurotic.
  
  "We have a person who is dependent, who is vulnerable, who is self-conscious, who is anxious, who is impulsive, not open to new actions or ideas," lead researcher Neil Montgomery, a psychologist at Keene State College in New Hampshire, told MSNBC at the time.
  
  "Is that going to make a successful college student?" he asked. "No, not exactly. It's really a horrible story at the end of the day."
  
  Related: Want to Win Custody? Become a Helicopter Parent

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  Thu, 02 Sep 2010, 08:00:00
  
  
• Socks That Rule the School

  Filed under: Shopping, Fashion

  

  That's one sharp-looking pencil sock. Credit: Ashi Dashi

  
  Labor Day is just quickly approaching, which means it's time to kick off the flip-flops and lace up those new school shoes.
  
  But you can make the transition a little easier for your teens with these clever back-to-school socks from Ashi Dashi.
  
  Choose from pencil, notebook or composition styles or buy a three-pack and get one of each.
  
  And who knows -- if you get their feet ready for school, maybe their minds will follow.
  
  Available at Ashi Dashi for $11.99 each or $32 for a three-pack.

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  Thu, 02 Sep 2010, 07:00:00
  
  
• One Truly Smokin' Babe Comes Home From Rehab

  Filed under: Medical Conditions, In The News, Weird But True, Health & Safety Toddlers Preschoolers, Development Toddlers Preschoolers, Behavior Toddlers Preschoolers

  PRODUCTION PLAYER! DO NOT DELETE.

  
  
  A 2-year-old chain smoker just came home from rehab. Break out the baby book -- it's time to start a new page.
  
  While most parents forever cherish the first time their toddler gets out of rehab, there is concern Aldi Suganda will relapse and break into the cancer sticks again as he returns home today.
  
  His mother, Diana, tells CBS News she felt powerless to stop him when he first took up smoking. But if the tiny tot starts smoking again, she adds, who can stop him?
  
  "I don't know of what will happen in the future," she tells the network through an interpreter. "We surely hope he will quit ... But what can we do but accept it is as it is?"
  
  A video of Suganda smoking went viral in May. The tot reportedly was smoking 40 cigarettes a day, and a news team from CBS tracked him down in the remote fishing village of Musi Banyuasin on the Indonesian island of Sumatra in July.
  
  CBS News reports he was enjoying a smoke when reporters arrived.
  
  After his story aired, CBS News learned Suganda and his mom were taken to Jakarta, the capital of Indonesia, for intensive medical and psychological treatment. According to CBS, the treatment was paid for by their local government.
  
  Arriving at the hospital and denied a smoke, Suganda reportedly wailed and smashed his head on the floor. CBS News reports X-rays revealed a thickening on the left wall of his heart. However, it reportedly has more to do with him being overweight than being a chain smoker.
  
  "Unhealthy children will be the future generation of our country," Aris Merdeka Sirait, CEO of Indonesia's National Committee of Child Protection, tells CBS. "It is genocide."
  
  Related: Cigarette Advertising in Stores Can Light Up Teen Smoking, Study Shows

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  Thu, 02 Sep 2010, 06:30:00
  
  
• 'All My Children' Actress Adjusts to Life on Set After Landing New Role as Mom

  Filed under: Celeb Parents

  

  Alicia Minshew and her husband Richie Herschenfeld with their daughter Willow. Credit: Courtesy of Alicia Minshew

  
  As a soap opera actress, Alicia Minshew was used to heavy doses of daily drama. What she wasn't accustomed to, however, was drama in her own life.
  
  Minshew, who plays Kendall Hart Slater, the strong-willed daughter of Susan Lucci's Erica Kane on "All My Children," got a shock in August 2009 when she was six months pregnant and found out that the cast and crew were relocating the show from New York City to Los Angeles.
  
  "We panicked when we got the news because my husband (Richie Herschenfeld) and I lived right around the corner from the studio in Manhattan and we had lots of family on the East Coast to help us out with the baby," the actress tells ParentDish. "Our master plan quickly went south."
  
  The couple's daughter, Willow, is now 9 months old, and one month after returning to the set, Minshew, 36, shares why her real-life role as a mother played a huge part in her decision to move her family across the country.
  
  PD: You play Susan Lucci's daughter on the soap opera. Did she give you any advice while you were pregnant?
  AM: Yeah, she did. We were talking about working while you were pregnant and what to do when you get tired, nauseous or just need to put your feet up. I asked her what it was like to work once the baby arrives and she gave me great tips on balancing the two. Matter of fact, my very first day on the set almost nine years ago I got slapped across the face by my TV mom. Welcome to daytime TV and the start your new job. (Laughs)
  
  ParentDish: We love the name Willow. Why that name?
  Alicia Minshew: We named her for my husband's father Willy, who, unfortunately, passed away. The name Willow was an earthy, happy name that we both liked.
  
  PD: After Willow arrived in November 2009, how much time did you take off?
  AM: I was home for eight months. I took off the extra time because it is such a special time because the baby changes every day.
  
  PD: How did the writers tap dance around an eight-month absence for your character?
  AM: They were unbelievable. My character Kendall was on a boat in Europe with her kids.
  
  PD: You have been back at work for a month. How would you describe the transition?
  AM: It is OK. It was hard at first because I was breast -feeding and Willow did not like the bottle. But now that she has gotten older and eats food, it has gotten easier.
  
  PD: Were you surprised that "AMC" moved West?
  AM: Yes -- shocked as a matter of fact. I said, "Well I can't do that. I am a first-time mom and there is no way I can pack up and leave with a newborn." Plus, my roots and family were in New York.
  
  PD: So moving was not in the cards?
  AM: My initial reaction was, "Oh, s**t!" I kept saying, "No, no, no." I have been in New York for 14 years, my husband owns three restaurants, our family is all on the East Coast and I live around the corner from the studio. Richie and I had it all worked out and then everything changed right in the middle of the most difficult time in my pregnancy. The whole thing just freaked us out.
  
  PD: Was it a tough decision to make?
  AM: Yes, very. I am basically taking Willow away from her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Just that thought alone was huge in itself. We talked it out with our families and everyone agreed: I have a great job, the baby is small, she isn't in school, so do it now.
  
  PD: What was the deciding factor?
  AM: There were a few. First off, we have so many friends out here in Los Angeles and the "AMC" cast is my extended family. We also knew Richie was able to hire some great managers while he was away. Third, we know this was temporary. We are renting a place and know ultimately we will be back in New York because we want to raise our daughter in New York City.
  
  D: Do you feel you wrestled with this so much because you were now a parent?
  AM: Yes. Being parents definitely made us weigh our decision even more. But thank god Richie brings Willow to the set every day during lunch so I can nurse her and see her. Plus, we Skype with our families on a regular basis so they can see the baby crawl, stand up and wave.
  
  PD: What benefits is Willow getting by living in California?
  AM: She is taking a one-on-one swimming class. We never had access to a pool in New York City and Willow loves it. She kicks her feet and even goes under the water. Plus, she goes outdoors all of the time.
  
  PD: You made reference to this being a temporary move. Why is it so important to raise Willow in Manhattan?
  AM: New York children are exposed to so many different kinds of cultures and people. They are more well-rounded because everything is out there. Kids in the city have a sense of independence, they are more savvy and there are a million things for them to do. There are great music classes, Broadway shows, museums such as the Children's Museum, the Museum of Natural History. You can walk with them everywhere and even stroll in Central Park.
  
  PD: What do you see as being the biggest change in your role as Willow's mom now that you are on the West Coast?
  AM: I do miss out on some of the fun stuff she gets to do with her daddy since I am on set all day. My role is shifted now that I am back at work. Come to think of it, I don't even think she misses me because she is having so much fun with her daddy.
  
  PD: Do you get jealous that your husband gets so much alone time with Willow?
  AM: I thought that I would, but I don't because I know we came out here with the plan he would be taking care of her. Keep in mind, the first eight months he was working and I was home alone with her. I think because I am still nursing and she still depends on me that is sort of comforting.
  
  PD: What is Willow doing now?
  AM: She is crawling like a mad woman. I turn my head for one second and she is on the other side of the room. Plus, she is pulling herself up and standing up. She now has a few teeth. She is non-stop energy until she hits the crib and is knocked out.
  
  PD: Have you and your hubby discussed a time frame as to when you plan to return to New York?
  AM: I am going to finish out my contract and then we will see where we are at.
  
  Related: Ali Landry Dishes on 'Horrific' Breakup With Mario Lopez and Finding Love Again

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  Thu, 02 Sep 2010, 06:00:00
  
  
• Miley Cyrus Ruined My Daughter's Name

  Filed under: Baby Names

  In 1994, my husband and I had a daughter and named her Miley Elizabeth. Even though she was named way before people even heard of Miley Cyrus, people keep insisting that she was named after her and call her mean names because they do not like the Cyrus kid. My daughter hates her name now and wants to change it. I suggested we call her by her middle name but in our area there are a lot of girls named Elizabeth and pretty much any nickname for Elizabeth has been taken. She wants to change her name to Zarya because no one has that name and it means princess. Should we let her? I personally do not like the name Zarya and the name Miley Elizabeth means so much to my husband and me.
  
  - Miley's Mom
  
  Ah, your poor daughter! There she was, all set with a creative, unusual name that put a smile on people's faces, when a celebrity came along and stole it right out from under her.Whether you love Miley Cyrus or loathe her, you have to admit that she has taken control of the name Miley. For a baby born today, that shouldn't be a big problem. The girl will grow up in a world full of Mileys, Kileys and Brileys. But for a young lady the same age as Ms. Cyrus, it's a blow to her personal identity at an age when forging your own identity is job number one.
  
  I appreciate that you're taking your daughter's name trouble seriously. This isn't one to laugh off. But I don't recommend legal name changes for minors on grounds of style. Just as you'd hold off on purchasing high-end shoes or sporting equipment for kids whose bodies are still growing, you should hold off on choosing new names for kids whose selves are still growing.
  
  For the time being, let your daughter choose any nickname or alter ego she likes. The legal change, though, can wait until she's a legal adult. By that time she'll have had the chance to try on more identities, and will have a better sense of whether Zarya, or princess, really fits -- or whether Miley might become "hers" again after all.
  
  Did you ever regret your name? Share your experiences here. And if you have your own question to Ask the Name Lady, drop her a line!
  
  Related: Can I Honor a Male Relative With a Female Namesake?
  

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  Thu, 02 Sep 2010, 04:00:00
  
  
• Want to Change Your Child's Classroom? Talk to the Teacher First

  Filed under: Education Big Kids, Education Tweens, Education Teens

  

  Your child might not like the teacher as much s the other kids, but is it time to move her to another classroom? Credit: Getty Images

  "I don't want to be in this teacher's class this year." "I like my teacher from last year better -- why can't I have her again?" "But all my friends are in the other class." Are these common complaints heard in your household each new school year? Well, you may want to teach your kids a new refrain before insisting the school pull a switcheroo on any seating charts.
  
  It seems like just when you get the hang of your child's homework and class party policies, it's time for summer vacation. And it's only natural to feel out of sorts the first couple of days or weeks of a new school year -- there is a lot to get used to, after all. But before you spend the second day of school lobbying for your daughter to be in the same class as her BFF, take some time to understand that the school has put some thought into where your child will succeed.
  
  Moving a child around after starting with one teacher can cause disorder not only in your child's class, but in other classrooms in the school, as well.
  
  "I think that it's a big decision," says Barbara Chester, principal of Cherry Park Elementary School in Portland, Ore., and president of the National Association of Elementary School Principals. "It can be disruptive to a child and to the parents and to the class and to the teacher. First of all, I would hope that there has been good communication between the parents and teacher to start with."
  
  Early in a school year, parents often will march into the principal's office demanding a child is removed from a classroom, Chester tells ParentDish in a phone interview. And, while she says it's "totally appropriate" for a parent to approach the principal about any concerns in the classroom, the first question from the principal's mouth is likely to be "Have you talked to the teacher?"
  
  If parents answer no, Chester says, she will still speak with them to help them "process their concerns." But she lets the parents know she will be relaying their concerns to their child's teacher. Frequently, when the principal approaches the teacher, it's the first time the teacher claims to have knowledge of the parents' displeasure.
  
  "We're a partnership," Chester says of the parent-teacher-principal relationship.
  
  According to the U.S. Department of Education, if a parent doesn't agree with something in the classroom, setting up a meeting among the teacher and the parents -- with or without the principal in attendance -- is one of the first recommended actions. Even though the parent is the child's advocate, each party in the meeting should listen to the other and hear all the concerns expressed. The school's final decision should reflect what supports a child's success, which may not always match what the parents believe are in the child's best interests.
  
  Chester says she sometimes will remind both parties to "shut up and listen," adding that, in her experience, after the conference among the teacher, parents and principal, "99 percent of the time, they work it out. But the parents are always welcome to come back and talk about what is the best situation for the child."
  
  Parents should also talk to other parents. That's how Nancy Hall, of Connecticut, discovered her daughter's tales of her fifth grade teacher berating students in front of the classroom weren't fables. She says the experience that was so intense that children were sent to the nurse daily in fits of tears and were making appointments to see therapists.
  
  "Once we started to talk to each other, that was the part where the light came on," she tells ParentDish in a phone interview. "If another kid was bullying my kid as much as this teacher did, I would be there in an instant."
  
  Hall says she finally managed to move her daughter in March of the school year. The experience prompted the family explore other options, and the following year Hall's daughter enrolled in a different school.
  
  "The most important thing is to be a good advocate for your child," Hall says. "From the beginning, we were in there saying there is a problem with this. I think we waited too long to make the change. ... Band together with other parents and be on top of what's happening. The really important part of this is that we had each other."
  
  Some schools have addressed classroom placement with standard policies and procedures. Cascade Ridge Elementary School in Sammamish, Wash., posts its four-page guide online, including a form to request a re-assignment and a set of six questions to which parents need to respond. The school also spells out the process used in assigning students to a classroom: Balancing the students' academic or leadership skills, work habits or behavior factors; rapport among students; balance of boys to girls; and information provided either from other teachers or during earlier parent-teacher conferences.
  
  Cascade Ridge's policy makes it clear that after two weeks of school, parents may meet with the classroom teacher to discuss and work to resolve any issues. Before placing a formal request for a placement change, the parent and teacher devise a strategy, which is put in writing and includes a reasonable interval to put the plan in place.
  
  When Suzanna Bortz's children were in elementary school, she wrote a letter each year advocating for her children, even though, she tells ParentDish in a phone interview, she was "discouraged to write the letters."
  
  A special education teacher who has worked in schools since 1979, the Orange County, Calf., mom requested her son be moved from an eighth grade U.S. history classroom into a gifted class. She and her son met with the teacher and administrators, but were denied a placement change.
  
  Finally, Bortz says, at the end of the first quarter she went into the school and told the school administration he wasn't learning and, because her son was taking other gifted classes, made the argument that his history class should be a gifted class, as well. The school agreed to the change and, according to Bortz, he blossomed under his new teacher and hopes to major in history when he finishes high school next spring.
  
  Bortz, who, as a teacher, once requested that one of two high-energy brothers be moved from her own class, understands the need to establish lines of communication.
  
  "I think it is good to talk to the teacher -- then the problem can be worked out," she says. "Then that is good for the child, too. You talk about it and work it out. And hopefully it is fixed. And if you, as a parent, don't feel you have been heard, it's good to go to the principal. I think it is good to get support somewhere."
  
  Chester says she has rarely moved a student to a different class -- maybe only six students in her 28 years of experience. But if a principal does agree to a change of classroom, Chester says, the parents need to think about what they are going to say to the child about the change.
  
  "The parents need to have the language of why the move is happening" she says, so that the student understands and can feel more comfortable about the change. "Look before you leap. Moving your kid is a quick fix; letting us work with the kids so they can learn to problem-solve is long-term."
  
  Related: Make the Most of Parent-Teacher Conferences

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  Thu, 02 Sep 2010, 03:02:00
  
  
• How to Play: Poison Pool Toss

  Filed under: Activities Babies, Kids' Games

  

  Flying noodle! Credit: Marcus Q, Flickr

  What you need: You need a swimming pool, a rope or net, and two baskets of lots of pool toys, such as noodles and soft-sided balls.
  
  How to play: Divide the pool in half with a rope or net. Divide the children into two teams and have each team get in the pool -- one team on one side of the rope and the other team on the other side. Make sure each basket has the same number of pool toys. Dump the baskets of toys into the pool (one basket for one side and the other basket for the other side).
  
  The rules: At the starting signal, each team will try to throw all of their pool toys into the opposing team's side. The object is to clear its side of the pool.
  
  How to win: Whichever team has the least amount of pool toys in its side at the stopping signal wins.
  
  What else you need to know: You can put a time limit of five to 10 minutes for this game.
  
  Related: More Kids' Games
  

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  Thu, 02 Sep 2010, 12:00:00
  
  
• School Objects to 'I Love Boobies' Bracelets

  Filed under: In The News

  

  Eighth-grader Taylor Trujillo wears the "Boobies" bracelet that has California school officials raising their eyebrows. Credit: Gary Kazanjian, Fresno Bee / MCT

  The latest fashion craze in one California school district declares the wearer's love for boobies, but officials don't seem to share in the enthusiasm.
  
  Students in the Clovis Unified School District, in Clovis, Calif., have been spotted sporting colorful rubber bracelets emblazoned with the message "I Love Boobies," according to the Fresno Bee. The accessory is part of an American Cancer Society breast cancer fundraising and awareness effort.
  
  The only thing being raised by Clovis Unified officials, however, is eyebrows. Students who wear the $4 bracelets to class have been asked to remove them and stow them in lockers or backpacks, due to the provocative nature of their slogan. The district's dress code prohibits the wearing of any item that includes sexually suggestive language or pictures.
  
  Taylor Trujillo, an eighth-grader at Granite Ridge Intermediate School in the Clovis district, tells the Bee she wore her bracelet on campus to show support for cancer patients. She says she was asked to put the item in her backpack, or it would be taken from her.
  
  

  PRODUCTION PLAYER! DO NOT DELETE.

  
  
  "I didn't think it was a big deal because of the reason why I was wearing it," she tells the newspaper. "I feel that we should be able to wear them at school because they are not saying anything bad."
  
  Funds raised from bracelet sales will be used for research and help pay for local support programs for patients, including cosmetics and hair replacement. But that hasn't swayed Clovis Unified. However, at least one school did relent after parents rallied to support the campaign -- and their kids' participation in it.
  
  The Fresno Unified School District confiscated about 30 of the bracelets, but then listened to parents and met to discuss the campaign and its goal. They decided to return the bracelets and lifted their ban.
  
  "Breast cancer has touched so many families and some students feel this is very important to them," Fresno Unified spokeswoman Susan Bedi tells the Bee.
  
  Related: Hall of Famer Dave Winfield Talks Baseball and Breast Cancer

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  Wed, 01 Sep 2010, 10:00:00
  
  
• Lawmaker Wants to Help Crazy Parents Abandon Their Children

  Filed under: In The News, Weird But True, Single Parenting

  

  A South Carolina lawmaker wants parents to be able to abandon their kid until age 5. Credit: Getty Images

  
  Uncertain about this whole parenting business?
  
  Not to worry. Have a child and see how you like him. Take five years. If you're not completely satisfied, just return the child to the nearest police or fire station, outpatient medical facility or place of worship.
  
  No law enforcement officer will call on you. In fact, state Rep. Chip Limehouse of South Carolina wants you to abandon your unwanted child.
  
  It's better than killing the kid.
  
  If parents are so crazy that they would kill their children, Limehouse tells CBS News, let them abandon them instead. That's why he proposes state legislation to enable parents to discard their kids -- without penalty -- any time during their first five years of life.
  
  South Carolina's current return policy only gives you 30 days to make up your mind as to whether or not you want to keep your kids. Within that month, you can drop them off at any of the aforementioned locations without penalty.
  
  Limehouse tells CBS News he's haunted by the Aug. 16 murder of two children in Orangeburg, Fla., where Shaquan Duley allegedly suffocated her 2-year-old and 18-month-old sons in an Orangeburg motel, then strapped them into their car seats and let the car roll into a river to cover up their deaths.
  
  "If parents get up against the wall so bad that somehow their mind twists, and they believe in their twisted way that murdering their children is their way out of their situation, hopefully this new law would provide a pressure valve for this sort of evil behavior," the Republican from Charleston tells the network.
  
  He says he suggests age 5 because, by that time, most children are in kindergarten and interacting with other adults who might spot a family's problems.
  
  David Laird of The Children's Trust of South Carolina tells CBS the Orangeburg case calls for in-home early education and other measures, but that the bill Limehouse intends to introduce when the South Carolina Legislature convenes in January needs to be studied.
  
  Limehouse, the father of two, tells the network he just wants to keep the choice between parenthood and murder out of the hands of dangerously unstable people.
  
  "It chills you to your marrow to read the accounts of what happened to these poor children," he says.
  
  Related: Opinion: Rather Than Legislate a Parenting Choice, Grin and 'Bare' It

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  Wed, 01 Sep 2010, 09:00:00
  
  
• New Jersey Housewives' Teresa Giudice: 'Slowly Rebuilding' After Bankruptcy

  Filed under: Celeb Parents, In The News

  

  Teresa and her husband, Joe, and their four daughters at the Jersey Shore. Courtesy of Teresa Giudice

  The fiery, outspoken, table-flipping Teresa Giudice from the "Real Housewives of New Jersey" makes one thing clear: You shouldn't mess with a girl from Jersey.
  
  On the show, Giudice is the extravagant, stylish mom who throws outrageous parties for her four daughters: Gia, 9; Gabriella, 5; Milania, 4; and Audriana, 11months. But Giudice's wave came to a crash when she and her husband of 10 years, Joe, filed for Chapter 7 with the U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Newark, N.J. According to court documents, they owe nearly $11 million to creditors.
  
  Teresa chatted with ParentDish to talk about where it all went wrong.
  
  ParentDish: How did you prepare your kids for being on this TV show?
  Teresa Giudice: Gia knew what was going on and she likes to be in front of the cameras. To her, this is fun. Every time the camera is on she loves to act. Milania was only 2 years old and Gabriella was 3 years old, so they were really young and not as aware.
  
  PD: Now that season two has wrapped, do you and Joe ever sit down with your children to get a sense of how they feel about being on the series?
  TG: Yes, and they tell us they like it. When I asked them, "Would you want mommy to do the show again if there is a third season?" they all said yes.
  
  PD: With all that has been written about you and Joe filing for bankruptcy, what have you told your children?
  TG: They don't know what is going on because it is summertime and they are not in school. But school starts in September so we will see what happens.
  
  PD: Have you and Joe sat down to discuss how you will handle the situation, should Gia come to you with questions?
  TG: I never gossip about other people and I teach my kids not to do it, either. But we did tell her, "Look, Gia, there are mean people out there and if they say mean things and try to take you down, ignore them. Don't engage them in conversation -- just walk away, go to the principal and remember to always be happy."
  
  PD: What will you share with her about your financial situation?
  TG: We are not ashamed of anything. We were in a recession and everyone was impacted. This was not a bad thing. When people lost their jobs, people could not pay their rent and, as a result, we had less money coming in so we couldn't make the mortgage payments. The only reason it got picked up in the media is because we are on TV.
  
  PD: How would you describe your situation right now?
  TG: We are restarting our life. I have a book out called "Skinny Italian" and I am working on a second book, which will be out in Spring 2011. It will be a continuation of my first cookbook. As for my husband, he is taking on more work so we are in the process of slowly rebuilding. We will do it again.
  
  PD: Did filing for bankruptcy bring stress to your marriage?
  TG: No. In fact, it brought us closer together.
  
  PD: What did you learn from this experience?
  TG: I don't have to spend money to be happy. Sometimes you shop because you get bored, but now I only go shopping when I need something. I now have a career, four kids and became an author, so I don't have time to shop anymore (laughs).
  
  PD: Did you explain to the girls they couldn't shop 'til they dropped anymore?
  TG: Yes, we did talk to them. We told them that we were cutting back on things and they were fine with that. We give them so much love that the girls don't need materialistic things to make them happy.
  
  PD: What are some examples of things you have said no to?
  TG: Gia wants a new laptop because the one she had broke. We told her she has to wait and she can't have it right away.
  
  PD: Speaking of Gia, she has been tapped to M-C "The Rising Stars Talent Competition" on October 17 at the Montclair Museum of Art to benefit Project Ladybug.
  TG: Yes, I am going to be in the audience cheering her on.
  
  PD: Have you been practicing her lines with her at home?
  TG: She is working with her agent Maria De Santis of Xist Model and Talent on that. But I can tell you Gia is a natural and very comfortable in front of an audience.
  
  PD: So you really don't have a nanny? You juggle four kids all by yourself?
  TG: Yes, I just do it. For example, this weekend was all about my kids. We made sandcastles on the beach, we went into the ocean and on all of the rides. I am a full-force mom and I make it all about them. I truly love spending time with them.
  
  PD: So what do you guys do together?
  TG: Since it was the summer we went to a friend's house to swim, we even went swimming at the lake -- outdoors kind of fun like that.
  
  PD: How do you divide yourself into fours so you can give each of your daughters some alone time?
  TG: When Gia goes to gymnastics I spend time with Gabriella. In the morning, Audriana is the first to get up at 7a.m., so that is my alone time with her. I just find pockets in the day for each of my girls.
  
  PD: How did your children react when you and Joe brought the new baby home?
  TG: Oh, my god, they love her. Milania was the baby and yet she never got jealous, she started acting like Audriana's mommy. Gia and Gabriella are great with her, too, but if they are bad I will scold my kids.
  
  PD: So who is more of the disciplinarian -- you or Joe?
  TG: I am because I am with them the most.
  
  PD: You had quite an outburst towards Danielle Staub on part one of the reunion show. Would you let your kids watch that episode and see mommy like that?
  TG: (Laughs.) They have not seen it. But they think when it comes to the show, I am acting, so that is what I let them believe.
  
  PD: Do you and Joe have any regrets from being on the show?
  TG: No. Because of the show's success my book is on the best-seller list, and my marriage is the best it has ever been.
  
  Related: Ali Landry Dishes on 'Horrific' Breakup With Mario Lopez and Finding Love Again

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• Babies — The Movie - A review.

  babble  »  celebrity  »  what's hot now

  Spotlight

  Babies — The Movie A review. By Erika Milvy
  

  Babies is a new documentary that follows four babies from four corners of the world. Like National Geographic wildlife films which track species in their natural habitat, French filmmaker Thomas Balmes’ observational documentary focuses on the lives of four human babies: Ponijao from Namibia, Bayarjargal from Mongolia, Mari from Tokyo, and Hattie from San Francisco.

  And like a well-photographed nature doc with close-ups of stunning gazelles or curious chimpanzees or impossibly adorable lion cubs, visual aesthetics are at the forefront of this movie. On one level, it’s mommy porn. What mom whose last kid is long past babyhood wouldn’t ogle these gorgeously photographed, chubby-cheeked gurglers and giggly wobblers? Not me.

  But there’s another, more anthropological, sociologically significant level to the film. Babies follows the four infants from birth to 18th months. With no narration, it’s organized with “compare and contrast” editing: the babies are babbling/being cleaned/beginning to crawl/bothering cats.

  We observe the universality of babies, the biological consistencies. Some babies might visit the zoo while other babies have goats drinking from their bathwater, but all babies have melt-downs, love being sung to, and (given the chance), torture their cat or dog.

  While Hattie and Mari are being raised in urban, middle-class environments, Bayarjargal is growing up on his family’s small livestock farm on the arid and isolated rural plains of Bayanchandmani, Mongolia. Ponijao is part of the Himba tribe, a group of nomadic, pastoral Namibians in Southern Africa.

  Read a dad's take on Babies: The MovieIn contrast to films in the Up Series (which tracked young kids over years to find out who they grew up to be), Babies is a one-time gig. We won’t find out what type of people they will become, but we do see that their behaviors are surprisingly similar, considering how varied their environments are.

  I tried not to bring my own cultural biases to the movie, yet I spent a lot of time worrying about Ponijao and Bayarjargal. Bayarjargal sleeps while there’s a rooster rustling on top of him — what if he gets pecked? Bayarjargal climbs on a rusty can and a bunch of cows get too close — where’s his mom? Ponijao’s mom shaves his head with a knife — eeks! — and he spends a lot of time watching flies. I hope he’s happy!

  But more often, I felt embarrassed by the over-attentive precious parenting of the San Francisco couple: the mommy–baby yoga, the sing-alongs. In one scene, Hattie’s daddy peels banana strings for her, while Ponijao and his eight siblings feed themselves from a bowl of what looks like wet flour. In another scene, Hattie’s mom shows her the No Hitting lift-the-flap book, while Bayarjargal’s mother is milking cows and tending goats while the baby’s older brother whacks him with great gusto.

  Though these isolated examples might suggest the contrary, Thomas Balmes’ film doesn't have an overt agenda. With virtually no dialogue, no subtitles, and very little attention to the parents, the film’s most pronounced emphasis is on its striking cinematic compositions. With a good deal of restraint and, thankfully, little sentimentality, Babies is an unusually still and quiet film. But maybe a little too quiet? Without the developmental bend of films like Seven Up! or the socio-political perspective of films like The Business of Being Born, Babies is missing not only a strong narrative, but a point of view, a perspective. Cooing and gurgling are cute, but a distinct voice might have lifted this film just a tad above the nature documentary genre.

  Find More 10 Kids Movies That Were Better Than The Book 7 Loveable Film Fathers 26 Most Disturbing Kids Movies Ever Best Family Movies For a Night In

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• Not the Birth I Planned (and I Loved It!) - 5 moms' stories.

  Feature

  Not the Birth I Planned (and I Loved It!) 5 moms' stories. by Amy Levin-Epstein
  

  Being pregnant is the longest waiting game of most women's lives. For nine months we plan — a nursery, a name, and, in most cases, the birth. For some of us, that could be as simple as choosing between hospital and home, drugs or natural. For others, a formal birth plan can read like a Hollywood starlet’s requests, from mood lighting and music in the delivery room to what baby and mommy will wear postpartum. But as the women below explain, birth is rarely like you expect it — even if it isn’t your first trip to the maternity ward. Here’s how five moms felt about things not going the way they planned. Their stories (in their words) will amaze you.

  I Planned A Natural ... But I Had to Have My Water Broken and Get Pitocin

  Holly Whitmore, 33, Orange County, California. Daughter, Brett, is 16 months.

  My friends and family would describe me as a very organized person. I live by the rules and have tons of spreadsheets to plan out different aspects of my life (from my wedding to my baby registry). It just fit that I would create an elaborate birth plan. I looked online and created a four-page list. I wanted my husband to cut the umbilical cord and tell me the sex of the baby. I wanted to have natural lighting. Initially I wanted a natural birth, but I thought maybe I’ll do some of the pain meds instead of the epidural. I didn’t want an episiotomy, but I did want massage and stretching so I didn’t have to be cut. I didn’t want an internal monitor on the baby. I wanted to be able to go to the bathroom on my own afterwards instead of being catheterized, if possible. My husband and I went through it and he gave me the 'you've got to be kidding me' look but said, "Whatever you want to do is fine with me." So, we took the plan in my OB/GYN. She said that she was happy to try to follow the plan, but that labor can be unpredictable, and I would have to go with the flow on the day of. I went home and thought long and hard about it. I thought ‘Do I want to be worrying about all these plans on the list while I'm in labor, or would it be easier to just throw it out the window and go with the flow?’ I decided to throw the birth plan out the window! I could hardly believe it myself. I am so glad that I did because, due to many circumstances, basically everything I said that I did or didn't want to have happen happened just the opposite. I think the only thing that went as planned was the Jack Johnson music I wanted playing (which I don't even remember). In a nutshell, the baby's heartbeat was irregular, so they had to do an internal monitor. Labor was progressing too slowly and they gave me a bit of pitocin and ended up breaking my water. Even though I didn't want an episiotomy the baby had her head sideways so they had to do one and use a vacuum to get her out. I try to tell my friends that you need to be realistic. No matter what, your husband probably can cut the umbilical cord. But as far as the medical things, you have to be open-minded.

  I Planned a Home Birth ... But I Had a C-Section

  Esther Brady Crawford, 26, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Son, Jude, is 1 year.

  I didn’t have any preconceived notions of what labor I wanted, but every pregnant person buys the books and rent the movies. I watched The Business of Being Born. It planted the seed of ‘Maybe I should consider a natural birth.’ We spent eight weeks attending Bradley Method classes, but I always felt if that didn’t work out it wasn’t going to be the end of the world. Everything changed after I went into labor. My midwife came over as planned after my water broke all over my accountants floor at 4 pm. By the middle of the night, I was in full labor, laboring in my bathtub as my husband and midwife napped. But at 6 the next morning, my midwife started to get concerned that I hadn't dilated any further. I was still at two centimeters and my son’s heart rate was dropping dangerously low. After two hours of trying a variety of positions, she decided we needed to go into the hospital. We still thought I’d end up with a natural vaginal birth, but she wanted the security of the heart monitor to watch my son. Unfortunately we just couldn't get him to bounce back, and, coupled with the fact that I couldn't seem to dilate, the midwife and my OB told me the bad news. My midwife said, "I think were going to have to start talking about the C word." Knowing how staunchly against c-sections she is, I figured it was medically necessary. At 11:30 a.m. my baby Jude was being pulled out of my belly, and while it wasn't the experience I wanted, I felt at peace with it because I had tried really hard to avoid it. With the help of my husband, [my son] was able to lie on my chest and start nursing while I was still in the recovery room — something that had been really important to me. I think so many women get stuck in the rut of whatever their friends or family members did, whatever that is, whether it’s scheduling a c-section or doing it all natural. For me it was so important to know the different possibilities, so if something happened I’d be emotionally prepared for it. Also, choosing a doctor was so important — someone who was going to support my decisions. When I went in for the c-section I didn’t have time to tell her breast-feeding was important to me. But she already knew that — and it made the potentially disappointed feelings go away because there were so many other things that went right.

  I Planned a Hospital Birth ... But I Delivered at Home

  Corina Kuban, 30, Vancouver, Canada. Daughter Anika is 5, son, Jonas, is 3, and daughter Mathea is 10 months.

  My firstborn was meant to be a hospital birth. At our prenatal classes they kept emphasizing that we not come to the hospital too soon, otherwise they'd just send us home. After labor began I called our doula and she suggested taking a bath and going to bed. If the labor was true, the pains would wake me up. I followed her advice and kept expecting things to get worse. It wasn’t until I had the strong urge to push that the doula suggested meeting her at the hospital. I tried to stand up but couldn't, so my husband called 911. The operator asked if it was our first, and when my husband told her that it was, she was pretty skeptical as to the severity of the situation but dispatched the fire department anyway. They came and assessed the situation and the paramedics were shortly behind. Our daughter was born within ten minutes of the paramedics arrival, on our bed, in the comfort of our own home. The paramedic who delivered her read the manual on the way over! I think it paved the perfect path for me having a home birth the next time around. It took the fear out of planning it because we had already one it without planning it. Our son was a planned home birth with two midwives present, and it went by the book. This was also the plan for our third child. However, after I began laboring around 5 a.m., we called our midwife to let her know that she should come over, but she was stuck at the hospital with another laboring mom and our choices were to either meet her there and deliver the baby in the hospital or to have her try to track down another midwife. We opted for the hospital option because even though the territory was unfamiliar the midwife would be someone we knew. We quickly made arrangements for our other two kids, threw together a hospital bag (which we thought would be unnecessary) and drove downtown, in the middle of rush hour, to have our youngest daughter. The contractions were about two minutes apart for the duration of the drive. When we arrived at the hospital my husband dropped me off at the ER and went to park the car. I’m pretty stoic when in labor, so the admissions staff didn't realize how imminently the birth could happen. They showed me the way to the maternity ward, and I walked that long walk by myself, the contractions becoming more intense from the walking. Needless to say, I was quite relieved to get settled in my room and began pushing within ten minutes. Our youngest was born minutes later and we were discharged in time to have breakfast at our favorite bagel shop on the way home! We’ve had to change our birth plans, but in hindsight I wouldn't have it any other way. It’s good preparation because parenthood is so unpredictable and you can only plan so much. As a parent you have to learn to go with the flow.

  I Planned a Natural Birth ... But Asked for an Epidural

  Jennifer Reich, 39, Hellertown, P.A. Son Tyler is 4, and son Austin is 3.

  I really wanted to have an unmedicated birth. I had talked with my midwives about it and was really mentally prepared. The hospital had two homey birthing rooms that were pretty removed from the rest of the labor-and-delivery area. My husband and I walked up and down a long, quiet, lowly lit hallway. I knew that when a contraction hit, I could walk down the hall and by the time I got to the end of the hall, the contraction would be over. I was in labor for around ten hours, pacing that hallway. After that, the labor was getting to be very painful; my midwife said I was very dilated but the baby was facing the wrong way. I didn't want to have any medication, but she strongly urged me to take a shot. I had a strange reaction to it — it didn't help the pain and it just made me feel "loopy," disoriented and out of it. So at my midwife's recommendation, I gave in and got an epidural. The epidural was great! I was able to fall asleep for a bit, and then when I woke up, it was time to push. The midwife helped me to time the pushing to work with the contractions — even though I couldn't feel the pain — and I didn't push for long. Looking back at it, labor was a comedy of errors. However, I don’t think I would do it differently if I could. Having the ten hours of labor was an amazing bonding experience with my husband, and I wanted to do that so desperately. With my second son, 21 months later, again I wanted to have an unmedicated birth. But this time I was delivering in a different hospital, with a different midwife and they wouldn't let me pace the halls. I felt so trapped in that tiny room, unable to move around, and the pain was unbearable. I remembered how that epidural had taken all of the pain away with my first baby. ‘Why am I torturing myself?’ I wondered. I couldn't come up with a good reason, so I asked for an epidural!

  I Planned an Epidural ... But Went au Naturale

  Berit Brogaard, 36, Saint Louis, Missouri. Daughter, Rebecca, is 6.

  I had planned a full epidural. They waited because it was a 34-hour labor, but eventually it got really intense. They attempted an epidural but couldn’t hit my spine as I couldn’t sit still. Suddenly I thought ‘Okay, women have been doing this for millions of years, and I can do it without one.’ I had a really good doula provided by the hospital. I used a lot of walking, baths, massage, a birthing ball and just pure strength. I pushed out my baby in 20 minutes because I went natural. I could move around whereas if I had had the epidural, I wouldn't have been able to move around right after. When my OB-Gyn had to stitch me up, I didn't feel a thing, because at that point the area was completely numb. I had heard all these horror stories about not getting epidural or how horrible it was. In my mind I was like ‘Yeah, put me out. I don’t want to experience this.’ But when this doctor came to give me the epidural it became very sterile — plus it didn’t work. By the next day, I had forgotten about the pain.

  Now tell us your story!

  Find More My Illegal Home Birth: Giving birth at home was weird 5 Totally Unrealistic Movie Birth Scenes Insufferable: Why do people talk about managing birth pain, not eliminating it? In Praise of the C-Section: I’m not sorry I didn’t have a natural birth.

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• Molly Ringwald — My Life as a Mom - The "Getting the Pretty Back" author disciplines other people’s kids.

  babble  »  celebrity  »  celebrity moms

  Spotlight

  Molly Ringwald — My Life as a Mom The Getting the Pretty Back author admits to disciplining other people’s kids. by Andrea Zimmerman
  

  You know Molly Ringwald as the freckled, angst-filled teenage star of the 80s. But with her just-released book, Getting the Pretty Back: Friendship, Family, and Finding the Perfect Lipstick, she’s here to tell you she’s so much more than that. She’s a wife, actress, writer, and, most importantly, mom (to daughter Mathilda, 6, and twins, Adele & Roman, 10 months) — a role she loves to talk about. We caught up with her to dish about the best parenting advice she’s ever received, playing the bad cop, and why she’s okay disciplining other people’s kids. — Andrea Zimmerman

  Your book is called Getting the Pretty Back, which is all about remembering the vivacious woman from our youths. How do you get the pretty back?

  I don't really love working out, [but] I stay consistent with it, because I know if my body’s in shape, my mind will be in better shape; the two go together. Being in the best shape possible is important. It's easy to let yourself go and say, "Oh, I don't have time to do this or that," but it’s important to make time for yourself. [Exercising] is always going to be inconvenient. I have three kids and a husband and we all have schedules, so it's never been easy to say, "Okay, I need an hour for myself." But it's really important to in order to recharge your batteries.

  You say that taking that hour or two away from your husband and kids has actually made you a better parent.

  I think so. We all want to be good parents, and it's easy to say, "I'm just going to live for them.” Yes, my kids are incredibly important, and, yes, my kids come first, but I know that as a parent I need to come to them with a fresh mind. I can't be too exhausted or too tired. And I am a better parent [after I take time off] — I have more energy, more fun.

  Can "keeping the pretty" apply to your relationship with your husband? How do you recover from marriage ruts?

  Marriage is a commitment, one of the strongest commitments you can make to a person. It's certainly not easy. The people who think you get married and live happily ever after and ride off into the sunset are people who have probably never been married. It is difficult, and when you throw kids in the mix, it's even more difficult. I think [my husband and I] have gone through a lot together, and we have a commitment to working on the relationship. The key is communication. It’s very important to remember that while you are a mother, that's not all you are.

  What’s your parenting style?

  I'm very honest with my kids, especially my six-year-old. I'm not honest to the point where I'm talking about things that she's too young for, but I've tried to figure out a way to talk to her about difficult subjects in ways she can understand. We had a conversation yesterday about why there was war. I related it to the playground.

  You talk about maintaining friendships with people that don't have children. Why is that so important to you?

  It's very easy to think that our way is the only way, and it's very easy to lose who you were before you had kids. It’s very important to remember that while you are a mother, that's not all you are. You’re still a woman. I feel like I'm a woman, a mother, a wife, an actress, a writer, all these different things. And seeing friends or people who don't have kids allows you to access that part of yourself. Also, I don't think your friends should be abandoned because of their choice to not have children, and they shouldn't have to lose their friends, either.

  Who’s the bad cop — you or your husband?

  I tend to be a little more of the disciplinarian. He's more of a softie. We're very different people, but I think he knows that what Mommy says is the way that it is; I don't back down.

  What’s your best childhood memory with your mom?

  Cooking. My mom was always in the kitchen. She was a stay-at-home mom until I left the nest, so she was there a lot when I was a kid. She was also the "room mother” for all our classes at school, and she always made these incredible cookies, which were always decorated and beautiful. I remember being so proud that my mom did that.

  Do you see similarities between your kids and yourself as a child?

  Yes! My daughter is very headstrong, especially with style and how she wants to do things. At one point she almost reduced me to tears because she wouldn't wear these expensive patent leather boots I bought her. She has a great sense of style, but it's different than what I would wear. One of the hardest things parents have to accept is that they have to let their children express themselves, to love them and allow them to be different.

  You tell a funny story in your book about disciplining a group of kids who were calling your daughter names. Would you mind another mom disciplining your kids?

  When I lived in France, I noticed every parent would reprimand other children just by saying, "Hey, that's inappropriate" or "Don't do that." And other parents would appreciate that. But in the United States, moms tend to say, "Hey, that's my kid, stay away." Personally, I wouldn’t mind if another parent reprimanded my child if my child was saying or doing something inappropriately, especially something dangerous. But it's about how it's done. If it's done respectfully and constructively, I have no problem. If another parent is saying something abusive to my kid, that's not okay.

  Find More 8 celeb moms who fixed their lives Melissa Etheridge: My kids are my biggest critics! 10 smartest celeb moms: Meryl, Jodie and 8 other savvy A-listers. 50 most loveable/loathable celeb moms

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• Banana Split Pancakes and More Tasty Treats for Kids - 3 great recipes.

  babble  »  food  »  cakes and baking

  Features Banana Split Pancakes and More Sticky, Chewy, Messy, Gooey, Treats for Kids 3 great recipes. By Jill O'Connor
  

  If you are going for the mother-of-the-year award, we highly recommend having this ridiculously seductive collection of sweet treat recipes in the kitchen library. All you have to do is ask the kids to flip through the pages, point to something they like (might be hard for them to narrow it down), and you will not believe the look of adoration on their faces when you agree to make it. Author Jill O'Connor, a seasoned food stylist from all the biggie magazines (House Beautiful, Food & Wine, Bon Appetit) knows how important it is to appeal to eyeballs first, stomachs second. Here are a few of the ones we liked best.

  Adapted from Sticky, Chewy, Messy, Gooey Treats for Kids by Jill O'Connor

  
  
  Banana Split Pancakes

  Sunday breakfast is a fun meal for kids to help prepare. The mood is bright and everyone is relaxed and ready to pitch in. These sweet, fragrant pancakes are a festive choice, piled high with fresh strawberries and sliced bananas and smothered in gooey, chocolaty Nutella or buttery brown sugar syrup. The kids can help mash the banana and measure out the simple ingredients for the batter before an adult cooks the pancakes on the hot griddle. Although perfect for a leisurely weekend breakfast, they really are a snap to prepare and (when all the planets are properly aligned) can even be whipped up on a weekday morning. Make sure your bananas are very ripe — really overripe — for the sweetest, most tender pancakes.

  Get Recipe »

  Quickberry! Quackberry! Blackberry-Apple Crumble

  There is nothing easier or more cozily down-home to serve after dinner than a homemade fruit crumble warm from the oven. It isn’t fussy or fancy, but this old-fashioned dessert will be welcome on any occasion. I love the sweet-tart combination of blackberries and apples. And the crumble — made with a healthful dose of oatmeal, a little whole wheat flour, and the crunch of raw sugar — makes for a buttery, sweetly nutty-tasting, crisp topping.
  
  Get Recipe »

  
  

  Glamorous Movie Star Marshmallows

  These eye-popping beauties just scream “I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille!” and like your favorite movie star, they are gorgeous and glamorous on the outside, and airy fluff (with no nutritional value) within. Homemade marshmallows are great fun to make, and a wonderful science project to discover what a little sugar, water, and gelatin can create. I like to make my marshmallows big and fat, just right for over-the-top embellishments. Dip or drizzle the marshmallows with melted, brightly colored confectionery coating, sprinkle with shimmering sanding sugar, coat them in jimmies and small candies, or give them funny faces by attaching googly eyes made from royal icing. You can even give your marshmallows the red-carpet treatment by brushing them with Luster Dust — beloved by cake decorators, luster dust is a glittering, shimmering powdered food coloring that comes in little pots like eye shadow. You can leave the marshmallows their natural creamy color, or tint them pale lavender, pink, green, turquoise, or yellow, before cutting them into squares and dolling them up. Decorating homemade marshmallows is a fun birthday party activity, and party guests can take home small cellophane bags of their miniature masterpieces as favors, and as an edible reminder of their artistic and creative skill.

  Get Recipe »

  
  

  Find More Perfect birthday cakes and frosting Best buttermilk pancakes 6 family baking treats

  
  

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• What Baby's Smiling Means and How It Affects Your Chemistry - New science on parent/child bonding.

  Feature

  What Baby's Smiling Means —
  And How It Affects Your Chemistry New science on parent/child bonding. By Heather Turgeon
  

  In last week's column, I talked about a study showing that symptoms of autism may not emerge as early as some had thought. One sign of the disorder's onset is that "social smiling" decreases, as toddlers become seemingly less interested and skilled at communicating. It turns out that social smiling tells us a lot about our infants' developing brains, and, what's stranger, when our little ones turn on the charm, it changes our body's chemistry as well.

  Two kinds of smiles

  Babies flash toothless grins from birth, but these smiles are random and spontaneous — triggered simply by neurons firing in the brain stem and unrelated to good moods. When babies doze off for naps, the smiles really come out; scientists think this is because the responsible motor cells nestle close to the region of the brainstem where REM sleep originates.

  This early mouth curling is like a fake smile — the kind you need for passport photos or when pretending you like the outfit your husband dressed your child in. A genuine smile of delight or amusement comes directly from the limbic system (the brain's emotional center) and it recruits eye muscles called the orbicularis oculi (squinting and raising up the cheeks). The catch is that you can't force these muscles to work — they are under involuntary control, so only a sincere feeling makes for a truly beaming face.

  Smiling is more than just a pleasant perk of being human; it has been shaped by evolution to keep us together. Between four and ten weeks of life, the limbic system and motor networks are sufficiently mature to make for baby's first emotional smile. Across all cultures, the social smile pops up at the same time. Even babies who are blind show us their grins of happiness on schedule; they just cue off of voices and touch rather than a familiar face.

  Smiling changes a parent's chemistry

  This is the first time that many parents feel the tugs of a real relationship with their baby — no longer just the one-way caretaking of the early months, but an actual back-and-forth interaction. Smiles are one of the building blocks of attachment and, in fact, some psychologists think that even older babies save the genuine signs of joy (eyes and cheeks included) for their parents — strangers are more likely to get a "fake" smile.

  I looked through our family videos for footage of my son's first months and, sure enough, there I was, putting on the classic newborn show. Hovering twelve inches from his face, I had the high-pitched silly voices and goofy looks going — I was working overtime to make him chuckle. And research suggests this might be because I am "addicted" to my son's smiles. When babies grin in amusement, reward centers in the parent's brain light up. These areas — specifically the substantia nigra, the striatum, and emotional networks in the frontal lobes — use the neurotransmitter dopamine, which gives us a boost in mood and leaves us wanting more.

  So smiling is more than just a pleasant perk of being human; it has been shaped by evolution to keep us together. Compared to other species, our infants are born very immature, needing especially devoted parents who are in it for the long haul. Bonding behaviors are programmed into our biology, and we instinctively know how to use them without much practice — like a dolphin swimming or a bird nesting. Truly loving smiles are unconscious and, with the help of some potent brain chemicals, they strengthen our relationships with our kids.

  Find More Baby Smiles: How Early Can You Detect Signs of Autism Newborn Developmental Milestones Ignore Development Charts — Unless your kid scores well!

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• Ten Things Adoptive Parents Shouldn’t Say - How to keep it all in the family.

  Feature

  Ten Things Adoptive Parents Shouldn’t Say How to keep it all in the family. by Tracy Hahn-Burkett
  

  Some few months ago, Babble presented my list of “Ten Things Not to Say to Adoptive Parents—Especially in Front of Their Kids.” But as an adoptive parent myself, I realize that there are plenty of things that we adoptive parents shouldn’t say—especially when our kids are around. Here are the ten biggies:

  
  

  “This is how Susie became available for adoption.” It seems harmless enough, and parents may worry that they’ll offend well-meaning friends and family who ask about the details of your child’s story. But these basic facts about your child’s origins ultimately belong to her. Deb Shrier, Social Worker and Post-Adoption Counselor at Massachusetts-based adoption agency Wide Horizons for Children, cautions against blurting out your child’s information. “You don’t need to explain your child or your family to anybody,” she says. Shrier adds that, depending on the age of your child, you can talk with her about what she wants you to tell others. Parents wondering how to respond to inquiries can fall back on a variety of responses, ranging from stating “We’re keeping that information private so that she can decide for herself what she wants to share when she is older,” to politely asking the questioner, “Why do you want to know?”

  “Don’t tell my kids, but [insert facts about your child’s origins here].” This seems like it should be obvious, but this was actually said to me and a group of other parents at a party! Beth Hall, Director of Pact, An Adoption Alliance and co-author of Inside Transracial Adoption, says that parents need to “protect their children’s privacy and make sure that the child is the first person hearing [his story], not the person down the street.” If you need to talk to someone about these details, find someone else — perhaps a social worker or other adoption professional.

  “Race doesn’t matter. When we look at Kyle, we just see our son; we don’t see White/Black/Hispanic/Asian.” Of course you look at Kyle and see your son and all of the wonderful, frustrating and unique qualities that make him the individual that he is. But you have to consider the fact that the rest of the world will see his race and that it will affect him in profound ways someone of another race probably can't anticipate. Shrier also reminds adoptive parents that bringing a child of another race into one’s family changes the whole family. “You’re a multicultural, multiracial family. That’s how you look at the world, and that’s how the world looks at you.”

  “We’re Americans. Jenna may have been born in China, but she’s American now, and that’s good enough for us. We don’t really worry about all of that cultural stuff.” Shrier says: “This may not be of interest to you, but it’s going to be of interest to your child. It may be a big interest, it may be a passing interest, but it’s part of who your child is.” Your child needs to know that all parts of who she is are valuable to you and that she is welcome to explore her birth culture as much as any other facet of her identity. And one of the best ways you can show her that you value her birth culture is by finding ways to welcome it into your family and into your home.

  “We used to celebrate our Irish background before the kids came along, but now we feel like we really have to focus on Ethiopia.” On the other hand, don’t delve so deep into your child’s culture that you lose sight of the things that were important to you before. If you're Irish and you adopt an Ethiopian child, dine on Ethiopian cuisine, but keep the corned beef and cabbage, too. If it's the reverse, do the reverse. As Shrier recommends, “Focus on the whole family and what everyone brings to it. [Either way]; you’re an Irish and Ethiopian family now.”

  Negative comments about your child’s birth family. You may view these aspersions as being completely separate from your child, but your child’s birth family is part of who he or she is, and children are likely to interpret these comments as being about them. Hall says, “Children are concrete thinkers. . . . If you say something about their birthparents, you may as well have inserted their name.”

  Invented facts about your child’s birth family. Sometimes our kids’ stories include difficult facts, and sometimes, regardless of the facts, we just don’t know how to respond to people who insist on extracting private information. In either case, refer back to point number one and know that your child’s story is no one else’s business. Remember, too, that any information you put out there may well get back to your child one day, and you don’t want to find yourself in the position of needing to rebuild her trust when she discovers that the stories you’ve been telling are fiction.

  “Asians are good at music, so we weren’t surprised when Jin’s violin teacher told us he could be a real prodigy.” Positive stereotyping is still stereotyping, and it can place an enormous burden on children. Kids don’t need this additional pressure, says Shrier, and this, too, is a form of racism. “It’s not really looking at who they are. It’s looking at the person’s race, and that’s it.”

  Disparaging comments about your child’s race or any other race. This should be a no-brainer, but it happens more than you might think. If you're white and your child is Hispanic, Asian, Black, Native American or of mixed heritage, remember that you are the parent of a child of color. Shrier asks parents who forget this fact to consider how they would feel if that same comment “was directed at your family.”

  “This is my adopted daughter, Grace.” As Shrier points out, would you ever say “This is my daughter through a c-section”?

  
  

  This list may seem like a lot to worry about, but it’s all part of the package of adoptive parenting. We adoptive parents can avoid most of these scenarios by keeping our children’s perspectives in mind and remembering one simple fact: one way or another, whatever we say (and to whomever) is likely to make it back to our children.

  Both Shrier and Hall stress the need for parents to model behavior for their children. An adoptive parent herself, Hall advises that when we speak to others, “We’re building a toolkit for our child.” Our children will face questions and assumptions throughout their lives, and as their parents, it’s our job to make sure they are equipped to handle those situations on their own.

  Come to think of it, that’s the very definition of parenting.

  Find More 10 Things Not to Say to Adoptive Parents What Pax Jolie-Pitt is in for, if my adoption is any indication. Infant Industry: Jane Aronson, the Orphan Doctor Cribsheet: Adoption 95% of adopted children want to be found by their birth parents.

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• How To Decorate With Kids - Tips from 9 by Design’s Courtney and Bob Novogratz.

  babble  »  celebrity  »  celebrity style

  Spotlight

  How To Decorate With Kids Tips from 9 by Design’s Courtney and Bob Novogratz. by Andrea Zimmerman
  

  In their new series, 9 by Design (which premiered April 13th on Bravo), NYC husband and wife team Bob & Courtney Novogratz oversee a booming design company — oh, and raise 7 kids all under one roof. Needless to say, they know a few things about staying organized. We hit up the artsy pair for their best tips on de-cluttering, designing with kids in mind, and their love of all things IKEA. — Andrea Zimmerman

  What’s your best organizational tip for families?

  Keep it simple. When new toys come in, old ones go out.

  How do you stay organized with 7 kids?

  We struggle like everyone else. Our older kids have their own desks, so they’re able to do their homework a little more easily, but it’s a battle. I’d like to say that every morning my kids make their beds, [but that’s simply not true.] However, we do have a system: everyone knows where the laundry goes, although I have one or two kids who like to pick their stuff up and throw it on the floor. As far as dinnertime, whoever sets the table doesn’t necessarily have to clean up, and we alternate.

  How do you mesh your personal style with your children’s taste?

  We compromise. [For their bedroom], our daughters wanted blue, but I wanted pink throw pillows and a pink chandelier. It was hard for me to say, “Okay, you can have the blue,” but at the same time, we didn’t want to spend money on everything blue, so they picked one or two blue throw blankets for the end of their beds. There are no rules. If you take risks, you’ll usually end up with a great house that’s an expression of [everyone].

  What family design pieces never go out of style?

  I love IKEA desks right now; they’re very modern, sleek, and have drawers. IKEA also makes great bookshelves! You can put them in a child’s room, or in the living room — horizontally or vertically.

  What’s an overrated design piece? Keep it simple. When new toys come in, old ones go out.

  Cribs are always overrated. It’s tricky because they’ve changed the style where it’s not just cherry pinewood, which is great, but they’re also expensive, which doesn’t make sense because you don’t use them for all that long. We like IKEA cribs — the price ranges are great — but I haven’t found the best one yet!

  How do you blend low-end pieces with more expensive ones?

  My kids have twin trundle IKEA beds, but everything in their room isn’t IKEA. That’s what's important — to mix super high-end things with super low-end things, and that’s the beauty of it. You’d be surprised — there are some great values out there! But you can’t do a whole house or apartment entirely in high-end or low-end.

  Are there any pieces that should absolutely not be compromised?

  High-end dishes. I don’t wait to pull out the fine china; I try to use my Thanksgiving dishes every day. I think people should enjoy all the things they own.

  What’s off-limits in your house?

  With seven kids, nothing is off limits! I grew up in a home where you couldn’t go into the living room, so we try to live very casually. Our kitchen table is indestructible. We used to have a gorgeous old farm table, but we switched to a modern table that’s industrial. The kids know that if they spill or get crayon on it, it’s okay. I prefer to go with white sheets and white slipcovers, because I can throw them in the washing machine with a little bleach. We’re relaxed people, but strict. We discipline our kids when we have to. Our real goal is to keep them humble; we don’t spoil them in the least. That being said, we’re relaxed people. You can’t stress over the little things with seven children; you have to be practical — but we still pull out our nice dishes.

  Do your kids have chores?

  They do. I’m the first to admit that some take it more seriously than others. The older kids do laundry, fold towels and set the table. They’re not vacuuming yet, but with every new house we move into, they have to get the sheets on the beds, get things laid out and put things away. We try to quickly move in and live as if we’ve been there forever. We work hard so we can play hard.

  How should parents who love design get their kids involved?

  Take them to flea markets and galleries! No matter what country we’re in, our kids want to go to local markets. They’ve started collecting things, too.

  What’s the neatest thing you’ve found at a flea market?

  Two old street coach lights from France. They’ve been in three different rooms; we’ll never sell them.

  
  

  Bob & Courtney’s tips for balancing child-friendly yet still modern and stylish design:

  Keep an open floor plan and avoid clutter. Leave a space for the kids to run around and play, and aesthetically, it’s more pleasing to adults when there is a spacious feel, not to mention that your environment will look a lot bigger when it’s clutter-free. Use art in your projects as a major focal point, but make sure it’s protected from small hands. Never have sharpies in the house (we learned the hard way!), and protect art with plexiglass. Keep items that you want your kids to have access to low to the ground so they can reach them without help from a grown-up. From toys to a selection of dishes and clothes, so they can help set the table and get themselves dressed.

  Bob & Courtney’s tips for a stress-free and successful move:

  Don’t start packing too far ahead because you’ll end up living in chaos for a longer period of time. Do it as close to moving day as you can without over-stressing. Choose one suitcase to hold everybody’s most important clothing, must-have things, and favorite outfits because it might take you a while to get settled and unpacked and find what you are looking for. This cuts down on an amazing amount of frustration. Before a move, spend time collecting boxes from the local grocery and liquor stores (they always have extra boxes!). And don’t throw newspapers out; save them to use as wrapping for all your breakables. This seems so simple, but so many people forget to do this: Mark each box clearly (in nice big letters) with what’s in the boxes so there’s no confusion as to what room everything belongs in once you start to unpack. Use moving as an opportunity to get rid of clutter and things you don’t really need or want. This is a great time to donate those items or give them to friends/family who can make good use of them. Rent a truck and enlist people to help you move. Your friends are no more likely to break things than the movers and they cost a lot less! If you have toddlers, pack while they’re asleep at night. Otherwise, you might find that they’re busy unpacking your boxes as you’re packing them! If this isn’t an option, let them have their own empty box to play with, and hopefully that will distract them long enough to get your boxes packed. Moving should be a fun experience, a new adventure for the whole family. Don’t dread it. Be excited, and the kids will feel the same way.
  

  Find More Kristin Armstong’s no-fail tantrum Solution and life after Lance. Tori Spelling: The misunderstood mom reveals all (and Dean chimes in!) Trista Sutter: The Bachelorette on life with Ryan and her stance on reality shows Lori Loughlin’s real full house

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• Baby Sleep Training Re-examined - Does the cry-it-out method harm kids?

  Feature

  Baby Sleep Training Re-examined Does the cry-it-out method harm kids? by Heather Turgeon
  

  Editors' Note: The debate over sleep training is making headlines again. In her new book First Year Essentials: What Babies Need Parents to Know, British parenting expert Penelope Leach claims that “crying it out" mentally damages babies. According to Leach, extensive crying can raise stress hormones like cortisol to the point where they are toxic to the developing brain.

  To date, however, cortisol levels have only been shown to be damaging in cases of chronic stress due to abuse or exposure to violence — not isolated incidents as would be the case with crying it out.

  To give you the full scientific picture, we're re-running this recent Science of Kids column. In the meantime, another study is in the works (according to this article), indicating that "controlled" crying it out is not damaging. Unfortunately, the article doesn't specify how long the "controlled" crying bouts were allowed to go. The argument will rage on.

  Ignoring baby cries during sleep training is linked to all kinds of problems later in life — ADHD, antisocial behavior, lower IQ. At the root of these claims is the idea that the stress of crying and the absence of a responsive parent release intense levels of chemicals that alter a child's brain development. But is there scientific evidence to back this up?

  It needs to be said from the outset that this is not a pro- or anti-cry it out article. How you approach sleep is as personal and complex as any aspect of parenting. And, rightly so, many moms and dads use their instinct as their guide. The intent of this article is to examine the evidence that distinct periods of children crying themselves to sleep causes long-term brain damage — a very serious claim that should not be tossed around lightly. Amid the intensity of the debate, it's often hard to see the science through all the emotion.

  The work of big name researchers and clinicians comes hand-in-hand with the anti-cry it out stance. For example, UCLA researcher Dr. Allan Schore is often cited as showing that stress hormones like cortisol, released during intense crying, damage nerve cells in the brain, leading to unhealthy attachments and psychological disorders. He demonstrates that a repeated pattern of unmet needs disrupts a child's stress-regulating systems and can alter the way her limbic structures process emotion.

  U.S. parents emphasize independence, while mommies from other cultures co-sleep and respond faster to their little ones.But Schore's research is actually about how trauma, chronic neglect, or abuse affects a small person. No doubt, if ignoring distress were your every day parenting philosophy this would apply, but sleep training against the background of caring, responsive parenting, does not. In fact, this is the case with a lot of sources opposing the cry it out method — the claims of brain, personality, and attachment damage come from research conducted with grossly neglected children (some studies use data from Child Protective Services cases) not healthy children with loving parents who let them cry for an isolated timeframe. It's worth noting that if it's crying we're worried about, the overall amount of crying involved in a well thought-out sleep-training program can be less than the sobs that many parents have reported when they go with a "no-cry" solution.

  Another well-respected source that makes the rounds on the Internet is a list of studies put together by Dr. Sears that conclude crying it out is dangerous. There are too many to explain each here, but for example, one states that infants who cry excessively have a higher incidence of ADHD, antisocial behavior, and poor school performance. When you look at the original study, though, the crying clearly has nothing to do with sleep training. The study shows that extra fussiness and subsequent crying (regardless of what parents do in response) might be a symptom of an underlying problem that could come up later in life. Sears quoted another study as showing that crying early on makes a child fussy and emotionally unbalanced. Again, the actual study says that babies who already cry a lot might be showing early signs that they are slower to develop emotional control. None of the Sears studies listed shows negative consequences as a result of a structured sleep training program.

  A Harvard study often surfaces in this debate to show that CIO is bad for baby. This is not actually an original research paper, but an opinion paper based mostly on anthropological studies of parenting practices. It describes how U.S. parents emphasize independence, while mommies from other cultures co-sleep and respond faster to their little ones. It does not have any data about sleep training.

  Letting a baby cry while she learns how to fall asleep is not for everyone. You may have a philosophical issue with it, you may think it's not the right fit for your child, or maybe it just plain feels wrong to you as a parent. If this is the case, follow your gut and find your own path to restful nights.

  But when science is used as a platform for criticizing sleep training -- citing the names of brain regions and neurochemicals -- it's misleading at best, and frankly feels like fear-mongering at worst. There will always be heated debate around this issue, which I think is healthy in some respects – we should be able to vet out and discuss our parenting dilemmas with each other. But remember we're talking about opinion and personal choice. Until there is more substance on this issue, let's leave science out of it.

  Find More The Babble Sleep Guide: Your toolkit for getting your baby — and yourself! — a good night's rest. Train Wreck: Night after night, I listened to my son wail and the Sleep Lady scold me. The Sleepless Generation: The unhappy results of the war on sleep-training. The Country That Never Sleeps: Life in Israel gave me a new appreciation for sleep training. My Date with Dr. Ferber: An excerpt from Afterbirth. Dr. Marc Weissbluth: The Healthy Sleep Habits author takes on parent misinformation.

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• How to Parent by Community - It takes a village, but you can form one.

  Feature

  How to Parent by Community It takes a village, but you can form one. by Bruce Feiler
  

  It was the most desperate week of my life. It gave birth to the most hopeful idea I’ve ever had.

  In July 2008, I learned that I had a seven-inch cancerous tumor in my left femur. I instantly worried about my three-year-old twin daughters and what life might be like for them. Three days later, I awoke with an idea of how I might give them my voice. I would reach out to six men from all parts of my life and ask them to form a “Council of Dads.”

  My initial instinct was not to tell my wife, Linda. We should focus on the positive. We should live in the moment.

  But I quickly lost my resolve. Linda cried at first, but as soon as we began discussing who should be in my Council, she started rejecting my nominees. “I love him,” she would say, “but he doesn’t represent you.” Of another she said, “I would never ask him for advice.” Starting a council was a very efficient way of finding out what my wife really thought of my friends!

  We needed a set of guidelines.

  First, no family members. We figured my family would already have relationships with the girls. Plus, as Linda pointed out, your friends know you differently from your family.

  Second, men only. Many of my close friends are women, but with their mom still around, we sought to fill the dad space in our girls’ lives.

  Third, intimacy over longevity. We thought some more recent friendships might better capture the father I wanted to be.

  Finally, a dad for every side. We looked for men who might capture different aspects of my personality.

  We ultimately settled on six men, from my oldest buddy to my newest pal. I asked each of them to teach a different lesson to my girls — how to live, how to travel, how to think, how to dream.
  Read Bruce's cry for help from his Council of Dads.

  I then asked each for a single piece of advice to convey to my daughters. Their answers ranged from the best way to take a trip — “Be a traveler, not a tourist” — to the best way to make your dreams come true — “Don’t see the wall.” One advised them not merely to seek the answers but to “live the questions.” Another counseled that even when they experience pain they should still “harvest the miracles” around them.

  These answers were intended for my girls, but they’ve already made me a better dad and friend.

  And therein has proven the magic of The Council of Dads. We did it for our girls, but it has transformed us. The experience helped build a bridge between our friends and our kids. It created an entirely new community in our lives. It reminded us of the power of friendship.

  Recently, on my girls’ fifth birthday, the Council of Dads convened for the first time. They argued about politics, parenting, and height. They complained about the weather, one another, me. In short, they were men! (My wife said she had wondered for two years what they would talk about. The answer: sports cars!)

  But our girls didn’t care. They were delighted as they moved from dad to dad, reveling in the private bond they share with each one. Our girls don’t understand the shadow that hangs over the idea. All they know is that these men are not just Daddy’s friends.

  They are their friends.

  That night, we went around the room and each man spoke of how the experience had changed him. One felt the Council helped replace the voice of his own father. Another took the advice he gave our girls and changed how he parents. The last person to speak was my confidant. He calls himself The Contrarian.

  “When I first heard the idea of the Council, I rejected it,” he said. “You would triumph over your illness. We wouldn’t need to exist. Today I realized I was wrong. Whether we’re healthy or sick, male or female, we all need to be reminded of what’s most valuable in our lives. We all need to be surrounded by the people we love. And seeing the looks on the girls’ faces today, I now know we all need our own Council.”

  Bruce Feiler is the New York Times-bestselling author of Walking the Bible and America’s Prophet. His new book is called The Council of Dads: My Daughters, My Illness, and the Men Who Could Be Me.

  To watch a video of the first-ever meeting of The Council of Dads, and to download tips for starting your own Council, please visit www.councilofdads.com.

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  Find More Will You Be a Dad to My Daughters? A father with cancer reaches out. I'm the daredevil dad that terrifies you I had my 1st child at 18, my 2nd at 38: What's the right time to become a mom?

  ©2010 Babble

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• Will You Be a Dad to My Daughters? - A father with cancer reaches out.

  Feature

  Will You Be a Dad to My Daughters? A father with cancer reaches out. by Bruce Feiler
  

  Dear — ,

  As you know, I have learned that I have a seven-inch cancerous tumor in my left femur. The afternoon I first heard the diagnosis I was standing on York Avenue in Manhattan. I sat on a stoop, telephoned Linda, called my parents, and wept. I went to get some crutches, stumbled home, lay down on my bed, and stared at the sky for several hours imagining all the ways my life would change.

  Then Eden and Tybee came in, running and giggling and looking in the mirror. They began to do this dance they made up when they turned three a few months ago. Mixing ring-around-the-rosy, ballet, and the hokey pokey, they twirled frantically in a circle, going faster and faster until they tumbled onto the ground, laughing with all the glee in the world. As I watched them, I couldn’t control myself. I crumbled. I kept imagining all the walks I might not take with them, the ballet recitals I might not see, the art projects I might not mess up, the boyfriends I might not scowl at, the aisles I might not walk down.

  The next few days were a tangle of tears and latenight conversations, doctor consultations, insurance negotiations, determination, hopes, and fears. I quickly determined I was looking at one of three options: the lost year, the lost limb, or the lost life.

  Through it all, I kept thinking I would be fine. Whatever happens, I have lived a full life. I have traveled the world. I have written ten books. I am at peace.

  I also thought Linda would be fine. She would experience a lot of pain and inconvenience, but in the end she would find a way to live a life of passion and joy.
  Read Bruce's advice on how to set up a parent community.

  But I kept coming back to Eden and Tybee and how difficult life might be for them. Would they wonder who I was? Would they wonder what I thought? Would they yearn for my approval, my discipline, my love?

  My voice.

  A few days later, I woke up suddenly before dawn and thought of a way I might help re-create my voice for them. I started making a list of six men — from all parts of my life, beginning with when I was a child and stretching through today. These are the men who know me best. The men who share my values. The men who helped shape and guide me. The men who traveled with me, studied with me, have been through pain and happiness with me.

  Men who know my voice.

  That morning I began composing this letter.

  I believe my daughters will have plenty of resources in their lives. They’ll have loving families. They’ll have welcoming homes. They’ll have each other. But they may not have me. They may not have their dad.
  Will you help be their dad?

  Will you listen in on them? Will you answer their questions? Will you take them out to lunch every now and then? Will you go to a soccer game if you’re in town? Will you watch their ballet moves for the umpteenth time? When they get older, will you indulge them in a new pair of shoes? Or buy them a new cell phone, or some other gadget I can’t even imagine right now? Will you give them advice? Will you be tough as I would be? Will you help them out in a crisis? And as time passes, will you invite them to a family gathering on occasion? Will you introduce them to somebody who might help one of their dreams come true? Will you tell them what I would be thinking? Will you tell them how proud I would be?

  Will you be my voice?

  And as I lay on my bed that morning, hoping I didn’t wake Linda as I shook with tears, I said to myself that I would call this group of men “The Council of Dads.”

  The Council of Dads. Six men. All very busy and burdened with their own challenges, but together, collectively, they might help father my potentially fatherless daughters.

  Naturally I hope that I will fully recover from my illness and that we will all be able to enjoy many family occasions together in the future. But I would like my Council to continue no matter the outcome. I would like my daughters to know the world through all of you. I would like Tybee and Eden to know me through this group.

  I would like them to know themselves through their Council of Dads.

  I understand this request might come as something of a burden. It is not intended to be an overwhelming commitment of time, resources, or emotion. A few words, a few gestures, an open door, a welcome embrace every now and then will ensure that your presence will be a constant guide in the girls’ lives.

  Your voice will merge with mine.

  Even though it has been painful to write — and to contemplate — this unexpected idea at this moment in our lives has brought great strength and comfort to Linda and me. We are pleased to know that our girls will learn from you some of the valuable lessons you have taught me over the years. We are thrilled that we all have an excuse to keep more closely in touch in the seasons to come. And we are honored to add your fatherly counsel into the heart of our family.

  And above all, we know that this assembly of surrogate dads can, if needed, be me.

  Love,

  Bruce

   

  An excerpt from The Council of Dads. Reprinted by permission.

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  Find More How to Parent by Community: It takes a village, but you can form one. I'm the daredevil dad that terrifies you. I had my 1st child at 18, my 2nd at 38: What's the right time to become a mom? Single, broke, and pregnant, I moved back home at 37.

  ©2010 Babble

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